Only the Lonely

I really hate to be self–centered & that I would say is what I find myself being, in my head; while on the outside I am anything but that – I am kid-centered, cleaning-centered, people-centered...
but lately when I think or talk about my own minuet problems,
I do feel a self-centered.

I feel a selfish when I think of how lonely & bored & even depressed I can be while I have children & a house to attend & keep me busy. I do have SO much to thankful for & I feel l should be & want to reach out to others- to help them. But how can I be when I am focused on my own issues? This makes me want to change my recent focus, yet I am not sure how.

So what I should do more often is transform my loneliness into relationships…
that is easier said than done.

Because I live over 1000 miles always from my family & my husband works long hours… I can become very lonely even in the midst of busyness and children & even groups of friends.
I have come to realize & recognize that I am very lonely. I long for meaningful human relationships in people I can trust.
Even though I wish my husband could fulfill these gaps.. & I might think he isn’t doing his duty to me at times. I also know I can put a lot of pressure on him to talk & listen more than he would prefer.
I also have come to know that there is nothing wrong with me being needy & lonely… It’s not self-centered; it is the way God created His people, especially women.

My newborn baby girl lay beside me in the bed as I lay there in my baggy sweatpants and oversized t-shirt. On the other side of the bed sat my 2 year-old son bouncing on his knees, asking me for chocolate milk. It was 7:00 a.m. on a Monday. I watched my husband put on his clean work clothes and get ready to head off to work for another full long day. I felt as though he was escaping my private little hell. I felt like crying. All I could do was think of the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two babies; and the incomprehensible reality that while the days go by so fast – they go by so slowly all at the same time.

Daily, I contemplate reading the same story books over and over again while cleaning up spills and dirty diapers… “is this all I was made for, God?; is this my only calling for the time being?”
But here I am again just feeding my impending loneliness.
I would say all Mothers understand what I am talking about –whether they are stay-at home or working mothers. There’s a loneliness that catches us by surprise and even takes the life out of us when we begin parenting.
A Chinese proverb describes the journey of mother-hood, “Children Bind the mother’s feet.” And that they do. While mothering isn’t something we must do on our own, it can be hard to create the right relationships to meet our needs. We can make big mistakes because of loneliness. In fact, our loneliness propels us into relationships whether good or bad. There is a longing for relationships & God made us this way. This is a reflection of HIS image. This longing is a force that draws you closer to others & ultimately to Him. It didn’t take me long after the birth of my son that I did feel truly alone at times… but this did cause me to draw closer to Him.
Yet I have often mistaken the “ache” to have a good close friendship relationship (even more that just the one with my husband) as being something to be ashamed of or as something that I am powerless over. So we, “look for love in all the wrong places.” Hey, we all seek solace in a bowl of ice cream or a bag of potato chips or chocolate or on the Internet. I have even stayed in a toxic or draining relationship because of convenience or familiarity. So I’ve come to admit that I am lonely & when I start feeling restless, sad, depressed I know that what I am lacking are key relationship voids… that are not being filled anymore by my sisters & mom… or close friends from home. So I know that God Too wants me to find, develop & build good, healthy, meaningful friendships that will last an eternity. & more that that I recognize I need to rely on the One who created me for relationships. I have to remember God cares about me: so I don’t need to feel discouraged and trapped. I need to take direction from God.
So I will take the desire for better more meaningful relationship & pursue it.

women’s work

Some say that, “ women’s work is in the kitchen” and I wouldn’t disagree.
Women’s work IS in the kitchen, “in the midst of the scouring and the soap and the spray the work of keeping men and families whole gets done.
It’s the work of building relationships that really matter.
“ Women’s work is the work of weaving the ties that bind into something strong enough to catch you when you fall but with enough slack to make sure it’s not choking you to death.” ~ Jennifer Rinaldi

“One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present.”

Alone time

I never imagined that I would spend between 68%-75% of my (awake)life Alone
( depending on the week & situation)
or more specifically without my spouse. While I am with the kids 98% of that time -- & occasionally with other people … I still feel isolated from my husband & alone in the world. I think that alone puts a big strain on our relationship.
This doesn’t even consider the fact that the kids see their father less than 80% of the week. I don’t know what to do about that .. or how to change it..
But I think that if this is realized … that maybe we both can work harder to utilize & make the little time we do have together important—
to enjoy each other’s company & the kids. We need to put more value on this time.

I do know that is it probably normal to spend a majority of the week days apart, etc – for anyone.. but I do think we have a higher % here. I just remember & think about people who are dating – they spend the Majority of their free time ( outside of work time) together.. we don’t & we live together.

You'll Always Be My Baby

I LOVE this SONG!!!

"There I was
Ten years old
Waiting in my room for him to come home
And I just knew
He'd be so mad
Though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad
There was no denying I had let him down
But instead of being angry he put his arms around me
And said

In the sunlight or the rain
Brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far-gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you'll always be my baby

There I was
Twenty-one
I was so ashamed of what I'd done
On a country road
Parked one night
What started out so innocent crossed the line
There was no denying I had let God down
But instead of being angry, He let his love surround me
And I heard

In the sunlight or the rain
Brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far-gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you'll always be my baby

There he is
My little man
I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then
And I pray to God
That when he does
I'll be just as understanding as my father was
'Cause the last thing that I wanna do is let him down
So instead of being angry, I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

In the sunlight or the rain
Brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far-gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you'll always be my baby"

Artist: Sara Evans
Lyrics for Song: You'll Always Be My Baby
Lyrics from Album: Real Fine Place

life is love, life is strange

some one called about the house... that Don & Dave have been working on..
they seem really interested... It would be SO great to Sell the Place before the Holidays, because people generally don't move from November till Feb.
& they have interest building on credit cards...
it would be a big stress reliever for the guys.

on another note.....

It is weird being married... I've been for over 5 years.. yet it's still strange to be comfortable
I think i am... I've come to the point where i talk about my husband & his life -- as if it where my own.
still it's odd to think about... it's like I'm living someone else's life... at times...
not really what i choose... but I'm living as i go... whatever happens -- is a part of me now.
THIS... is not who i am... I am not the person i have become...
but of course i have to be... right?

I was, or sometimes feel like i was so much more before all of this...
before marriage & kids... yet still i wouldn't give it up..
but sometimes i wish i could have part of myself back.
I have really left everything i ever was before i met Don.
I never pictured my life like this....
not bad - just different.

but most married people say -
it's like you are giving yourself up for that other person & other people ( kids, husband, work, etc)
so they can be happy...
& in turn because of their happiness - you are.

being a mom especially makes one loose individuality...
loss of self.. loss of who you were before these little people took over...
it's a strange thing...




"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"


-- C.S. Lewis

Crab Tree Falls

 

Crab Tree Falls, VA 

hiking crew

  

don & caleb at the waterfall

  

Fall colors

  

  

  

needing to be thankful

So often I don’t realize that my children are just that – children. Sometimes I get frustrated when my children accidentally spill something or are playing too loudly. I am definitely not the mom in the paper towel commercials. You know, the one where the child spills an entire container of juice, ( or a huge container of Yogurt on the carpet) and the mother just smiles because she has the right paper towel for the job? My thoughts would run to the fact that $3 was just spilled on the floor that now I needed to clean up.
Sometimes I just need to take a breath and be thankful that I have been blessed with little noses to wipe and clothes to fold.

we are able

Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us" (Ephesians 3:20).
The Bible portrays God as omnipotent - all powerful, able even to create all things from nothing (Hebrews 11:3). The individual is portrayed as totally insufficient to do anything but fail. Yet the Bible also teaches that great things will be done in, and through, and to us. How? It is only through God's power and wisdom that anything of substance will be accomplished. He alone is able. We are Able to do anything through HIM.

me being down…

I am pretty pathetic when it comes to getting little mundane things accomplished.… it’s my only responsibilities -- & yet I don’t do a good job at it.. I guess it’s because I feel like mothering, being a maid, laundry girl, food fixer etc, the basic all- around housewife – is not very important … But of course it’s important ..
but when people ask me what I did all day …
I basically have nothing to say… ( it can be embarrassing) because reading to the kids & putting clean trash bags in the cans doesn’t sound very important..
A priority Yes, - important NO ( if it went un-done- would it be noticed?

maybe, maybe not)… it’s almost like when I had school or if I had a job I place more energy or importance on the mundane tasks of the day..
I get them done faster and more efficiently. Maybe I am not very motivated –because the rewards are few & far between.


OH well… I know it is the Wrong perspective on things. But it’s the mindset I have had since I was a child.. while my mother raised me to be a great housewife…
I always knew she was a Nurse – who went through a lot of schooling to get there.. & I didn’t see that what she was doing at home was all that important…
but I am grateful she was at home.
I am daily trying to convince myself that while what I do here
( my job as a mother & housewife) might not seem important to anyone else
to God & my kids-- it is –can only HOPE it matters in the big picture.
Yet, I feel that because my house is not immaculate, Dinner always made,
& the kids super smart – that I am a failure..
I am not a perfectionist .. but when I do a job – I do it well.. or want to.
I am the oldest.. & that alone makes me want to do things right
and to the best of my abilities. This is one job I will never excel in.
I can try … but I just wasn’t cut out for it… it’s a struggle.

i Really don't need encouragement.. there are times when my attitude is totally different.. & I'm Happy to be a stay-at -home mom...

On another note

Pregnancy always brings the craziest dreams… vivid ones… when normally I don’t even remember my dreams… SO this morning before I woke up I had a horrible dream about a kitten – have you ever seen that TV or E-mail video about how to clean a Dirty cat – in a Toilet bowl? ( you flush it) ? Well I dreamed that a kitten – looking like Jadyn’s was dirty in a house.. so to clean it -I flushed it –thinking it would come right back up .. wet – but clean… instead it never came up and in a panic I started plunging the bowl… having all sorts of things come up socks, trash, etc.. but NO kitten—then finally it did come up soaked and dead. It was awful…

the kids 5 & 3

  

my 5-year-old

  

my 3-year-old

  

quotes

"it seems to me, if you can't trust – you can't be trusted"

"you can't be faithful until you know why you should be"


Currently listening :
Songs For Silverman
By Ben Folds

my children

  

pumpkins!

  

we made it to the Top

  

on top sharp top

  

hiking the peaks

 
on Caleb's 5th Birthday! 

Autumn Bliss

I just love this time of year, when the leaves are falling and I have apples baking in the oven! & soon, making hot cocoa with marshmallows, carving pumpkins, raking colorful leaves, smelling bright yellow mums and piling on the extra clothes in the cool crisp air to go on a hike.