Only the Lonely
I really hate to be self–centered & that I would say is what I find myself being, in my head; while on the outside I am anything but that – I am kid-centered, cleaning-centered, people-centered...
but lately when I think or talk about my own minuet problems,
I do feel a self-centered.
I feel a selfish when I think of how lonely & bored & even depressed I can be while I have children & a house to attend & keep me busy. I do have SO much to thankful for & I feel l should be & want to reach out to others- to help them. But how can I be when I am focused on my own issues? This makes me want to change my recent focus, yet I am not sure how.
So what I should do more often is transform my loneliness into relationships…
that is easier said than done.
Because I live over 1000 miles always from my family & my husband works long hours… I can become very lonely even in the midst of busyness and children & even groups of friends.
I have come to realize & recognize that I am very lonely. I long for meaningful human relationships in people I can trust.
Even though I wish my husband could fulfill these gaps.. & I might think he isn’t doing his duty to me at times. I also know I can put a lot of pressure on him to talk & listen more than he would prefer.
I also have come to know that there is nothing wrong with me being needy & lonely… It’s not self-centered; it is the way God created His people, especially women.
My newborn baby girl lay beside me in the bed as I lay there in my baggy sweatpants and oversized t-shirt. On the other side of the bed sat my 2 year-old son bouncing on his knees, asking me for chocolate milk. It was 7:00 a.m. on a Monday. I watched my husband put on his clean work clothes and get ready to head off to work for another full long day. I felt as though he was escaping my private little hell. I felt like crying. All I could do was think of the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two babies; and the incomprehensible reality that while the days go by so fast – they go by so slowly all at the same time.
Daily, I contemplate reading the same story books over and over again while cleaning up spills and dirty diapers… “is this all I was made for, God?; is this my only calling for the time being?”
But here I am again just feeding my impending loneliness.
I would say all Mothers understand what I am talking about –whether they are stay-at home or working mothers. There’s a loneliness that catches us by surprise and even takes the life out of us when we begin parenting.
A Chinese proverb describes the journey of mother-hood, “Children Bind the mother’s feet.” And that they do. While mothering isn’t something we must do on our own, it can be hard to create the right relationships to meet our needs. We can make big mistakes because of loneliness. In fact, our loneliness propels us into relationships whether good or bad. There is a longing for relationships & God made us this way. This is a reflection of HIS image. This longing is a force that draws you closer to others & ultimately to Him. It didn’t take me long after the birth of my son that I did feel truly alone at times… but this did cause me to draw closer to Him.
Yet I have often mistaken the “ache” to have a good close friendship relationship (even more that just the one with my husband) as being something to be ashamed of or as something that I am powerless over. So we, “look for love in all the wrong places.” Hey, we all seek solace in a bowl of ice cream or a bag of potato chips or chocolate or on the Internet. I have even stayed in a toxic or draining relationship because of convenience or familiarity. So I’ve come to admit that I am lonely & when I start feeling restless, sad, depressed I know that what I am lacking are key relationship voids… that are not being filled anymore by my sisters & mom… or close friends from home. So I know that God Too wants me to find, develop & build good, healthy, meaningful friendships that will last an eternity. & more that that I recognize I need to rely on the One who created me for relationships. I have to remember God cares about me: so I don’t need to feel discouraged and trapped. I need to take direction from God.
So I will take the desire for better more meaningful relationship & pursue it.
but lately when I think or talk about my own minuet problems,
I do feel a self-centered.
I feel a selfish when I think of how lonely & bored & even depressed I can be while I have children & a house to attend & keep me busy. I do have SO much to thankful for & I feel l should be & want to reach out to others- to help them. But how can I be when I am focused on my own issues? This makes me want to change my recent focus, yet I am not sure how.
So what I should do more often is transform my loneliness into relationships…
that is easier said than done.
Because I live over 1000 miles always from my family & my husband works long hours… I can become very lonely even in the midst of busyness and children & even groups of friends.
I have come to realize & recognize that I am very lonely. I long for meaningful human relationships in people I can trust.
Even though I wish my husband could fulfill these gaps.. & I might think he isn’t doing his duty to me at times. I also know I can put a lot of pressure on him to talk & listen more than he would prefer.
I also have come to know that there is nothing wrong with me being needy & lonely… It’s not self-centered; it is the way God created His people, especially women.
My newborn baby girl lay beside me in the bed as I lay there in my baggy sweatpants and oversized t-shirt. On the other side of the bed sat my 2 year-old son bouncing on his knees, asking me for chocolate milk. It was 7:00 a.m. on a Monday. I watched my husband put on his clean work clothes and get ready to head off to work for another full long day. I felt as though he was escaping my private little hell. I felt like crying. All I could do was think of the overwhelming responsibility of caring for two babies; and the incomprehensible reality that while the days go by so fast – they go by so slowly all at the same time.
Daily, I contemplate reading the same story books over and over again while cleaning up spills and dirty diapers… “is this all I was made for, God?; is this my only calling for the time being?”
But here I am again just feeding my impending loneliness.
I would say all Mothers understand what I am talking about –whether they are stay-at home or working mothers. There’s a loneliness that catches us by surprise and even takes the life out of us when we begin parenting.
A Chinese proverb describes the journey of mother-hood, “Children Bind the mother’s feet.” And that they do. While mothering isn’t something we must do on our own, it can be hard to create the right relationships to meet our needs. We can make big mistakes because of loneliness. In fact, our loneliness propels us into relationships whether good or bad. There is a longing for relationships & God made us this way. This is a reflection of HIS image. This longing is a force that draws you closer to others & ultimately to Him. It didn’t take me long after the birth of my son that I did feel truly alone at times… but this did cause me to draw closer to Him.
Yet I have often mistaken the “ache” to have a good close friendship relationship (even more that just the one with my husband) as being something to be ashamed of or as something that I am powerless over. So we, “look for love in all the wrong places.” Hey, we all seek solace in a bowl of ice cream or a bag of potato chips or chocolate or on the Internet. I have even stayed in a toxic or draining relationship because of convenience or familiarity. So I’ve come to admit that I am lonely & when I start feeling restless, sad, depressed I know that what I am lacking are key relationship voids… that are not being filled anymore by my sisters & mom… or close friends from home. So I know that God Too wants me to find, develop & build good, healthy, meaningful friendships that will last an eternity. & more that that I recognize I need to rely on the One who created me for relationships. I have to remember God cares about me: so I don’t need to feel discouraged and trapped. I need to take direction from God.
So I will take the desire for better more meaningful relationship & pursue it.
posted by onlyhuman79 at 8:52 PM
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