Mom's Frustrations

i Do love being a mom. I do enjoy being a housewife & homeschooling at times...
overall i do think that being a mom can be very Rewarding...
it's all in perspecitve.. i dont like to complain..

I think this article is Great for any mom to read!



Mom's Frustrations
by Susan Alexander Yates

"The Lord is gracious and merciful; slow to anger and great in loving-kindness. The Lord is good to all and His mercies are over all His works (Psalm 145:8-9).

Frustration is one of the most common struggles for moms who are surrounded by small children. There are a variety of reasons. A friend with several small children recently shared with me that her frustration came in part because she felt a loss of control. Her children had been sick for two weeks, and nothing he had planned had turned out the way she expected. When our twins were small, they had continual ear infections. I saw our pediatrician more than I did my husband. One night I actually dreamed about him and woke my husband up in a panic.

Frustration is also caused by monotony. Every day is likely to be the same, and there appears to be no end in sight to runny noses, dirty diapers, and cereal all over the floor! Days run into weeks. Weeks run into months. Life begins to blur into one long mind-numbing series of chores.

Lack of accomplishment is another source of frustration. With small children, it's difficult to do anything that lasts. That's why I enjoyed mowing the lawn. It lasted a few days. And that was a few days longer than a clean house, or clean kids, or clean dishes.

Frustration comes as we see others acquiring recognition, and we feel more and more insignificant. We're out of the spotlight. Life seems to be rushing by.

A lack of appreciation and affirmation in our lives will also produce frustration. The house may actually look worse at the end of the day than it did at the beginning, and our husbands may wonder what we've been doing with ourselves!

Our frustrations will differ depending upon how many children we have, whether we work outside the home, whether we get support or not from our husbands, and how our own personalities perceive the situation. I have noticed that we all loosely fit into two categories. Some of us are "do-ers" and some of us are "be-ers."

A do-er is apt to be a person who is an overachiever. Perhaps she is accustomed to a successful career with recognition, satisfaction, and approval, as well as salary. All of a sudden she is thrust into the home, coping with kids, when she is used to a more high-powered existence and used to running on all cylinders. In her situation as full-time mom, frustration comes because she sees little success or progress on a daily basis.

There's a sense of feeling overwhelmed with things that have no "lasting value"—like the twenty-two loads of wash I had in one week; like the one-hundred and forty-four diapers that I changed in one week; like the runny noses that are dirty five minutes later; the food that's cooked with only scattered dirty dishes to show for it.

The do-er's tendency is to equate progress with self-worth. In the home with young ones, there is often little progress to see. I've wondered about how much we talk about material progress and accomplishments in this century. In a sense, progress seems to have become an idol. Progress is considered to be inherently good.

A subtle erosion of self-esteem for the do-er occurs because it often takes everything she's got just to get through the day maintaining the status quo. According to the logic of the day then, what she's doing is not particularly worthwhile, and consequently she's not particularly worthwhile. The do-er's self-image plummets as she experiences this feeling of lack of accomplishment.

Even though she may be totally committed to the principles of full-time motherhood, it is still hard for her to bring her emotions in line with her convictions. Even for the do-er who also works part-time or full-time outside the home, frustrations loom over her. Perhaps she's a perfectionist, and here she is juggling two worlds—career and family—and not feeling particularly successful at either. Also, by trying to succeed in both worlds, she is frustrated because so little time is left over for herself.

Another problem for the do-er is the inclination to overcommit herself in community work. There is a continual demand for volunteer workers, and we're often flattered when the call comes from a friend who says, "There is a desperate need for someone to...and we know you would be perfect for the job." The tyranny of overcommitment can cause more frustrations as the do-er realizes she is not doing anything as well as she feels she can.

The be-er, on the other hand, may have an easier time being in the home full-time because of her personality. She is apt to be less driven than the do-er and is more easily able to relax and enjoy the moment. The frustration for the be-er may come in just coping with the overwhelming demands of mothering. While she won't struggle as much with a lack of progress as the do-er does, she will struggle with the constant burdens of her never ending tasks.

The be-er may be just fine until a friend calls her and says, "What's on your schedule for today?" Panic may set in because she doesn't have a set of goals for her day. Her sense of frustration will come as she compares her lifestyle to that other do-er friend, and she feels bad because she's not as organized and doesn't seem to accomplish as much as others do.

A be-er who works outside the home as well as mothering may actually be more relaxed than the do-er because of lower expectations on herself. However, there will still be the frustration of not being able to be the mother or the professional she desires because of the many conflicting commitments on her job and with her family. In addition, she may find that she has a difficult time focusing on any one project all the way through to completion.

It's interesting to see these personalities in our children. Often we will have one child who is very relaxed and plays happily by himself. This child is happy as a be-er. Another child may thrive on projects and plans and have a hard time playing alone. She is a do-er. Recently I awoke very early to find one of my seven-year-old twins propped up in bed, writing furiously on a legal pad.

"Susy, what are you doing up so early?" I asked.

"Why, Mommy, I'm making a list for you of all the things you need to get done today." That's my do-er daughter.

We see these differences in our marriages, too. Sometimes it works well if a be-er marries a do-er. That in itself can cause conflict, but if the differences are recognized and appreciated, and we learn how to mesh them together, a much greater balance in the marriage and the home can occur.

Although generally we will all fall into these two categories, some moms may be a blend of the two. At different times most of us will exhibit both traits. Neither of these personality types is better than the other; they are merely different. The benefit lies in recognizing who we are and understanding what might cause our frustrations. It's dangerous to compare ourselves with one another. As we attempt to cope with frustrations common to all mothers, we need to see ourselves as God sees us. He has made each of us uniquely different, and it is helpful to learn to appreciate these differences. We must realize afresh that our self-worth is not dependent upon seeing material progress, success, or accomplishment each day. God's love for us is not dependent on how much we seem to get done or how successful we seem to be. He loves us just because we are His, and nothing we do or don't do can change that.

So, in creatively dealing with frustration, it really does help to recognize whether we are be-ers or do-ers. This enables us to see why certain things frustrate us. Often just knowing why we respond the way we do comforts us.

"Imagined perspective" also aids in lowering the frustration level. Imagine yourself in five years looking back at this day, and you'll often find that what seems tremendously frustrating right now will in fact not be that important, given some time and some perspective.

It is also important to see these frustrations, though perhaps unpleasant for us right now, as a potential blessing from God. Often in these everyday situations, God teaches us more about Himself. In times of frustration, I have found it very comforting to curl up with one of the Psalms. They are full of frustrated pleas, and yet peace always is within reach as we focus on God's goodness and faithfulness. His joy is far greater than our frustration. He cares for us much the way any loving parent would care for his child. He's not frustrated with us. His love is characterized by perfect patience. So when those inevitable moments come we can be encouraged by meditating on His love for us."

Excerpted from And Then I Had Kids by Susan Alexander Yates. Used by permission of Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright © 2002. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group." Visit Baker Books.