thoughts
think about the strangest things sometimes late at night… like what a crappy person I am – I have a real escapist mentality…. Like how nice it would be to not have to live up to anyone else’s expectations…. But I know that is ridiculous.
But more importantly, I think about how I really had/have a desire to do the best possible in things- achievements like school and softball and running/sports…. But when it comes to the really important things, my Christian walk, family, mothering, being a good wife
I just settle for mediocre… even for less than okay. Why would I do this? I really do have a desire to be the best I can be in all that I do. I think that maybe it’s because if I do try my hardest and I’m giving my all that I’ll still not meet the mark or live up to my own expectations and other’s standards that I will really feel like a failure. Of course I want to give God, Don and my kids my best and the most that I can. But relationships are so difficult and confusing. It’s not like a person can really measure or quantify the success of a relationship… unless it’s just in happiness -I guess.
I think I do better at things that are measurable or things where I can see the success. But success in life is not something a person can really measure up… it’s not like there is one measure for success or coming in #1.
Anyways, I think my point it that I have come to realize that by accepting the mediocre & not pushing myself to give my all and push to do the best I can in the small and big things in life – that I am a failure. I want to do better not for man or myself but for God and for the people who depend on me.
But more importantly, I think about how I really had/have a desire to do the best possible in things- achievements like school and softball and running/sports…. But when it comes to the really important things, my Christian walk, family, mothering, being a good wife
I just settle for mediocre… even for less than okay. Why would I do this? I really do have a desire to be the best I can be in all that I do. I think that maybe it’s because if I do try my hardest and I’m giving my all that I’ll still not meet the mark or live up to my own expectations and other’s standards that I will really feel like a failure. Of course I want to give God, Don and my kids my best and the most that I can. But relationships are so difficult and confusing. It’s not like a person can really measure or quantify the success of a relationship… unless it’s just in happiness -I guess.
I think I do better at things that are measurable or things where I can see the success. But success in life is not something a person can really measure up… it’s not like there is one measure for success or coming in #1.
Anyways, I think my point it that I have come to realize that by accepting the mediocre & not pushing myself to give my all and push to do the best I can in the small and big things in life – that I am a failure. I want to do better not for man or myself but for God and for the people who depend on me.
posted by onlyhuman79 at 6:13 AM
2 Comments:
hey there....this post is really sad and i think you're being waaaayyy too hard on yourself.
on one hand, i believe it is important to set goals and push yourself to be better all the time.
but, if you're like me you probably have had some goals about who you're supposed to be hanging out in the back of your mind since you were like 10--whether you realize it or not.
when i was ten, (or some young, highly unrealistically optimistic age like that), i had my life all planned out..i was going to be married with kids by the time i was 25 (i'm still single at 26, btw, not that it matters to me now, in fact, i'm quite happy being single) i was going to have all my debts paid off by the time i was 27 (still owe about $20,000..and that's not going away anytime soon). i had a million ideas of what my life should be like, and i was getting frustrated as i was reaching those certain ages or points in my life, and still not being able to accomplish what i had set up for myself.
i finally realized that i was being severly limited and saddened by goals that i had made for myself, or allowed other people to make for me, when in reality those goals were made in a totally different period of my life, when i had a totally different perspective on what it meant to be an adult.
what i'm trying to say is that goals in life aren't a fixed point, they're forever shifting depending on circumstances in your life that were impossible to forsee when you originally made the goal.
don't be so hard on yourself!
and remember; not having some of the things things that you want is an essential part of being happy.
I came across your blog tonight and wanted to tell you that this is a wonderful post, about your honest thoughts, which are beautiful to share outloud. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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