life..... sucks....

I have to say that don and i have come a long way since last year at this time...
last i remember feeling like me and the kids were not very important to Don... or just overall disconnected and out of place in life.... Don was busy & I was lonely a lot because he was gone and i felt that way even when he was around. that can be the worst feeling -- being lonely when the room is full of people or the person who is suppose to be closest to you is sitting right next to you …but there is empty air...

"Loneliness has nothing to do with the presents of people… is the hunger of the human heart for emotional intimacy -The need to feel connected." David T. Moore

i tried to fill the void with people as well as Mops & church stuff and primarily the kids, getting ready to start school and other things to keep me busy...
I hate how at times it seems like having good friends/ relationships is a lot of work
there were times I honestly felt like i was a real loser and worthless... & that i had failed as a wife and mother in many ways, maybe because that alone ( being a mom and housewife) wasn't satisfying enough for me...
don would like me to be a happy housewife-- but i preferred going to school and -I hope someday to have a nice job..... many times in our married life I’ve felt like I’ve had to earn his love or that i didn’t satisfy him because I wasn’t the person he wanted to marry.
but i knew i needed the Lord's help- and i always do... i would pray but i felt disconnected there too...OH how i hate that....
anyways, maybe my feeling weren’t really Don's fault but just a side effect of everything going on in our lives - me getting ready to start a new school year and being busy, etc...
my point is that I want Don & i to feel connected and desire each others' company. & at this point we do.

right now i think that we do more so than we usually do...

I know that we have a better relationship than we did last year and i want it to continue to get better. I LOVE don so much... and i hope that him and i can make each other feel that we are needed by the other... cause sometimes that doesn’t happen… Cause we want different things...

right now I miss Don a lot while I’m here in Oklahoma and the life I have with him and our friends out there.

i hope don and i can maintain friendships with others but more importantly with each other and be come good parents and closer to GOD.
I also hope that Don and I can always have a good relationship...

I'm not sure what's going to happen when i get back to VA -- cause one of don's brothers' wrecked our good car. Totaled it. so I’m out of a vehicle. I’m not mad - just sad and down that life has to SUCK! and I feel bad for his brother. But our insurance will go up because of this. UHG! I hate that life will be more stressful and less enjoyable due to all of this. On top of that the only running car we own doesn’t run well.
I am committed to helping out with Mops things and of course I like to get out of the house during the week; but now I will have to take don to work and pick him up if I want to do anything- that is such a pain.
I hate being powerless to fix or help resolve the situation.
I want to get a job – I want Caleb to be in a good school.
But for now here I sit with nothing to do. As if we didn’t have enough money troubles as it were! Well I do believe that the Devil is trying to get to me- get me down and cause more fights between don and I. But I’m going to try really hard not to allow that to happen. For now I have to just be resolved “to be content in whatever state I’m in..” & that “this too shall pass” & “life will go on” …
no need for me to get all Huffy!