Life as i know it

Man Seeks God

2011-12-10T17:43:00.000-08:00

I read this article on a recent flight... I found it interesting yet sad...

http://www.usairwaysmag.com/articles/man_seeks_god/

You won’t find God after reading this book, but you will speculate, ponder, and laugh. We were immediately captivated after reading the first few pages of an early draft. Eric Weiner is the author of the New York Times best seller The Geography of Bliss. A former correspondent for NPR and the New York Times, Weiner has reported from nearly 40 countries. His writing has appeared in Slate, the Los Angeles Times, the Washington Post, Foreign Policy, The New York Times Magazine, and other publications. He divides his time between Starbucks and Caribou. — Lance Elko, Editor

Introduction

An Uncomfortable Question
Nobody likes hospitals, but I like them less than most. I think it’s because my father was a doctor, an oncologist, and when I was young he’d drag me along while he did his rounds. He’d park me in the cafeteria, a fluorescent purgatory that reeked of burnt coffee and fear, then go see his patients. “Be back in twenty minutes,” he’d say. An hour or two later he’d show up, apologetic. One of his patients had died. They always died. And they always died in hospitals. So, my eight-year-old brain concluded, if I just avoided hospitals I would never die. It was airtight logic. And aside from a broken leg at age seventeen, that’s what I managed to do.

Until one warm August evening, not that long ago, when I found myself in the emergency room. My friend Michael had driven me there, as I sat in the passenger seat, doubled over in pain. At first, I’d dismissed it as indigestion, but this was unlike any indigestion I had experienced before. They took some X-rays and CT scans, and a few long minutes later the ER doctor walked into the examination room, grim-faced. Something was wrong, though exactly what kind of wrong he couldn’t say. The lines of worry on his face sent a spike of panic through me. A surgeon was en route. They had to interrupt his dinner party, he said, thus layering my terror with a film of guilt. Just wait here, he instructed, as if I were going anywhere with an IV dangling from one arm and a hospital gown wrapped around me, though “wrapped” was an overstatement and, for that matter, so was “gown.” Little separated me from the chilly, sterile air of the examination room.

I was shivering, partly from the cold, mostly from fear. Is it cancer? Something worse? What, I wondered, is worse than cancer? There must be something worse than cancer. I was pondering what this might be when a nurse walked in. She was about my age and, judging from the accent, originally from the Caribbean, or maybe West Africa. She leaned over to draw blood and must have smelled my fear because she paused, maneuvered close to my ear, and said, slowly and clearly, words I will never forget: “Have you found your God yet?”

It was one of those moments when your mind takes a long time, much longer than usual, to catch up with your ears. Have I found my God yet? “Why?” I asked, once I could breathe again. Will I be meeting Him soon? Have you seen my CT scan? Do you know something? She didn’t answer. Just gave me this wise, knowing look, and left me there alone with my careening thoughts and inadequate paper towel of a gown. I knew her question was not exactly standard operating procedure, even at a hospital called Holy Cross, but there was nothing malevolent or accusatory about it. She said it matter-of-factly, not exactly like “Have you found your car keys yet?” but close. Her words also conveyed a maternal concern, and the quiet certainty of someone who has already found her God.

The hours in the ER turned into a few days at the hospital. Tests were performed, blood drawn. I did not have cancer or that thing that is worse than cancer (I never could figure out what it is) but rather an unusually severe and prolonged case of . . . gas. Yes, gas. Apparently, my colon did not take kindly to the stress inflicted on it as I met an insane deadline imposed by a tyrannical editor. I was, in hospital parlance, discharged.

Within a week or two, I had fully recovered, physically, but the nurse’s words stayed with me, like an image burned onto a TV screen that’s been left on too long. Have you found your God yet? Those were her exact words. Not have you found a god or the god or just plain God but your God, as if there were one out there just for me, waiting.

For a while, I tried to forget about the incident. There is nothing to know, I told myself, no God to find, or at least not one I am capable of finding. Just drop it. Go back to your books and your single malt. Go back to the “world of dust,” as the Chinese call our everyday existence. This worked. For a while.

Then the nurse’s words returned, burrowing into my brain like a groundhog in early winter. Who, or what, is my God? I was born Jewish. That’s certainly my religious heritage, but not necessarily my God, which is another matter altogether. The truth is: I have many doubts about God’s existence. Yet calling myself an atheist doesn’t feel right either. Too coolly confident. I’m not certain about anything. I’m not certain about argyle socks. I’m not certain about soy milk. How can I be certain that God does not exist?

Agnostic? The word means literally “one without knowledge,” and that certainly describes me when it comes to matters of faith. Agnostics, though, strike me as atheists without the conviction.

Agnostics are covering their religious bases, just in case there is an all-powerful Creator capable of granting eternal bliss. (“See, Lord, it says right there: ‘agnostic.’ Can I have my eternal bliss now please?”) Also, implicit in the agnostic’s creed is not only “I don’t know if God exists” but I don’t particularly care. That steady drip, drip, drip of doubt can pool into a kind of wish fulfillment. Doubt God’s existence long enough and He doesn’t.

Perhaps I fall into that most elastic of categories, the “spiritual-but-not-religious.” These seekers align themselves with the world’s wisdom traditions while distancing themselves from anything that smacks of doctrine or, God forbid, an actual belief system. The spiritual-but-not-religious like their yoga without Hinduism, their meditation sans Buddhism, and their Judaism God-free. This approach is tempting. It strikes me as easy, and who, after all, doesn’t like easy? Alas, the problem with the spiritual-but-not-religious is that it is too easy, too convenient. Also, too herbal, and I am, if anything, a fully caffeinated being.

Since no off-the-shelf spiritual category seems to fit me, I find I must invent one: Confusionist. As the name implies, we Confusionists are confused — deeply and profoundly — when it comes to questions of God and religion. Wait a second, you’re probably thinking, isn’t a Confusionist just another word for an agnostic?

No, we Confusionists lack the smug uncertainty of the agnostic; we are, in a way, pre-agnostic, or maybe meta-agnostic. We’re not even clear exactly what it is we’re not clear about. We Confusionists throw our arms skyward and shout: We have absolutely no idea what our religious views are. We’re not even sure we have any, but we’re open to the unexpected, and
believe — no hope — there is more to life than meets the eye. Beyond that we are simply and utterly confused.

I blame my confusion, as I do most things, on my parents. I was raised in a secular household where God’s name was only uttered when someone stubbed their toe (God damn it who put that chair there?) or ate something especially delicious (Oh my God this is to die for). We were gastronomical Jews. Bagels and lox, of course, but also rugelach, whitefish salad, challah,
latkes, hamantashen. If we could eat it then it was Jewish and, by extension, had something to do with God. As far as I was concerned, God resided not in Heaven or the Great Void but in the Frigidaire, somewhere between the cream cheese and the salad dressing. We believed in an edible deity, and that was about the extent of our spiritual life.

Oh, once a week, I did attend Hebrew school (my parents enrolling me owing to that other Jewish tradition we maintained: guilt), but I found it much less relevant to my life than, say, breakfast. I couldn’t understand what these ancient peoples, who weren’t even smart enough to invent indoor plumbing, could possibly teach me about life. My family attended synagogue once a year, on Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. It wasn’t a lot of fun. I had to wear this blue polyester suit and clip-on tie, and all the adults were crabby, owing to the fasting, no doubt. The fasting bit really confused me because, as I said, I equated God with food so I couldn’t figure out why on this, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, people weren’t eating.

Later, my years as a foreign correspondent for National Public Radio did little to rehabilitate God in my mind. I saw firsthand what was done in His name, and it wasn’t pretty. I lived for a while in Jerusalem, the city of peace, though it was anything but. Even a blind person, especially a blind person, could detect the tension that hung over the city like an L.A. smog. The thunderous kaboom of an Israeli fighter jet breaking the sound barrier alternated with the kaboom of a young Palestinian detonating a charge of explosives strapped to his chest. So similar were those sounds that we journalists developed our own auditory bomb-detection technique: A kaboom followed by the roar of a jet engine meant you could go back to your morning coffee; a kaboom followed by sirens meant a mad dash to a horrific scene.

I also lived in India, the over-achiever of the religious world (over 330 million deities served!), and there found myself more perplexed than outraged. I once attended the Kumbh Mela, a Hindu festival that attracts some eighteen million people to the banks of the River Ganges. People traveled for days, weeks, in order to dunk themselves in the filthy, brackish water. It supposedly promoted good fortune and health. Yes, I thought, if the dysentery doesn’t kill you first. “It’s faith, only faith,” one of the holy dunkers told me. “Isn’t that enough?” I didn’t know what to say. Huck Finn’s words sprang to mind: “You can’t pray a lie.” But who was I, a foreign journalist with a microphone that I wielded like an assault rifle, to say what was a lie? Shortly after, I remember driving with an upper-class Indian playwright to an Ashura ritual. That’s when Shiite Muslims commemorate the death of Ali, cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet Muhammad. The playwright got out of his SUV, removed his Ralph Lauren shirt (folding it neatly, and placing it in the backseat), then, using a long metal prong of some sort, began to flay his naked back, again and again, in order to feel Ali’s pain. I saw dozens of other men doing the same. Then I felt a fine mist of red liquid spray my face. Blood. It was raining blood. India made me long for the God of the Frigidaire.

I was — and still am — a rationalist. I believe that reason and its offspring, science, are good. I question, though, whether reason alone is sufficient for a happy, fulfilled life. Nobody, as far as I know, has ever reasoned herself to a state of pure bliss. Reason is an excellent tool for solving problems but offers little guidance in identifying which problems we should solve and why. Reason makes a wonderful servant but a poor master. Reason cannot account for those moments in life that “bewilder the intellect yet utterly quiet the heart,” as G. K. Chesterton observed.

I also believe in words, in the power of words, and for decades my philosophy, such as it was, mirrored that of the great student of myths, Joseph Campbell, who when asked what spiritual practice he followed said, “I underline books.” Me too. I’m a promiscuous underliner, also circler, highlighter, scribbler, margin-writer, and dog-earer. I’m not sure why; maybe I’m like a cat marking its territory; maybe underlining a passage makes it real, makes the author’s ideas my own. Then again, maybe they already were. The act of underlining always contains an element of self-recognition.

I read, and underline, anything I can get my hands on, but I have a particular weakness for self-help books. I love these books, though I dislike the term “self-help.” For one thing, it’s not accurate. You’re not helping yourself. The person who wrote the book is helping you. The only book that can accurately be called self help is the one you write yourself. The other problem, of course, with self-help books is that they broadcast weakness, and thus invite judgment. That’s why my wife insists I keep my sizable collection hidden in the basement, lest dinner guests suspect she is married to a self in need of help.

Despite my compulsive underlining, or maybe because of it, I’ve never made much “spiritual progress.” (A term that also strikes me as very wrong; isn’t being spiritual about transcending self-defeating concepts like progress?) Reading these books, I’d experience moments of clarity. I would read, then underline, some wonderful passage by Meister Eckhart or Gandhi and think, Yes, of course, I’ve got it! We transcend our duality by uniting with the Godhead. Then I’d spend the next three hours obsessing over the best color — spruce green or desert khaki — for a shoulder bag I was ordering online, or endlessly staring at a mole on my neck wondering if it was just a mole or possibly Stage 12 melanoma. The books did little to relieve my outsize fear of death, or alleviate my chronic low-grade depression, and at some point I began to suspect that I was using these books, using concepts themselves, in order to avoid having an actual spiritual experience. It seemed like a plausible theory. In fact, I found an excellent book on the topic; in it, you will find many underlined passages.

To be clear: I don’t only live in books. I do get out of the house sometimes, where I am prone to peek at other people’s spiritual lives. I like to watch. Always from a safe distance, though. I’m the guy standing near the exit of the synagogue or the meditation hall, plotting his escape in case things get dull, or strange. Or real. I’m the guy mumbling the prayers just clearly enough so as not to call attention to himself but not clearly enough to absorb any meaning. Even in silent meditation, I’ve felt like a spiritual fraud, waiting to be exposed.

So that was me: mildly curious about God, but not curious enough to actually do anything about it. A spiritual voyeur, at best. A hypocrite, at worst. Someone who had, theoretically, entered Dante’s “age of wisdom,” a stage of life that begins at age forty-five. And that was okay, really. Until now. What has changed? Is it just my brush with gas, or perhaps something as pathetically clichéd as a midlife crisis? Maybe it’s parenthood. Being a parent forces us to confront head-on those nagging existential questions that we long ago stowed in our mind’s attic. How do I want to raise my daughter? As a gastronomical Jew like myself? Something more? Something less? Children are brutally honest and ask questions adults are too polite, or scared, to ask, and my daughter is definitely no exception.

“Dad?” she said not long after my hospital stay. We were riding one of those tag-along bicycles. I was in the front pedaling and steering and she was in the back pedaling, always pedaling.

“Yes, Sonya.” I was expecting another butt question. She’d entered the butt age and had many questions about that particular body part. But, as she often does, my daughter surprised me.

“Is God responsible for us?”

I nearly swerved into oncoming traffic. Two thoughts sprang to mind. First, that’s an awfully heavy theological question for a four-year-old. Second, this is one of those defining parental moments when we have a chance to impart lasting wisdom, to inspire and mold our child’s worldview in ways that will bear fruit for decades to come. Either that or make total asses of ourselves.

“Well, Dad, is He?”

“Just a minute. I’m thinking.”

Finally, I blurted out, “God gave us everything we need to be responsible for ourselves.”

I’m not sure where I pulled that one from — probably from the same part of the anatomy that my daughter was obsessed about — but it wasn’t bad, I thought. Sonya seemed satisfied, saying simply and sweetly, “He sure did.” As I pedaled, I marveled at her bigheartedness and thought of a wonderful line in a poem by Stephen Dunn.

you can’t teach disbelief
to a child,
only wonderful stories

A few days later, when I was putting her to bed, she announced that she saw God.

“You did?”

“Yes. He was in the sky, like a big cloud,” she said, holding her fist above her head in order to demonstrate.

“How did you know it was God and not just another cloud?”

“I could tell.”

“Well, what did you do?”

“I waved and said, ‘Hi God,’ ” she said, as if it were the obvious thing to do and I was slow.

I am. The ER nurse had laid down the gauntlet, asking me a question that demanded a serious answer and not, as is my wont, a clever rejoinder, a joke. At the time, there was an urgency to her question — Have you found your God yet? — as I lay in that cold examination room, thinking I was dying. Is it any less urgent now?

The fact is I am dying (we all are), though not quite as quickly as I feared. The nurse, wittingly or not, issued a call, in the old mythological sense of the word, and I feel compelled to respond, lest I end up like one of T. S. Eliot’s “hollow men,” those wretched, pitiful souls who hear a call but refuse to heed it.

The 17th-century French philosopher Blaise Pascal coined the term “God-shaped hole” to describe that yawning void that is the human condition. I quite like the term. Every time I hear it I think of donuts, and of my life. Over the years, I’ve attempted to fill my God-shaped hole with all manner of stuff: food, sex, bags, success, more food, travel, drugs, books, more food, leather-bound notebooks, red zinfandels, Cuban cigars, yet more food, pretentious foreign films, and once, briefly and ill-advisedly, a concoction of Guinness and Jack Daniel’s imbibed through a plastic funnel. None of this has worked. Why not try filling my God-shaped hole with . . . God?

I recently came across a passage from the Hindu sage Ramana Maharshi. Speaking of the burdens we all bear, he asks: Would you carry your luggage on your head while on board a train? “You are not lessening the burden of the train by keeping it on your head but only straining yourself unnecessarily.” Likewise, Ramana says, we unnecessarily strain ourselves by laboring under the belief that we, and we alone, bear this heavy load called life. Put down that bag, he advises. Nothing disastrous will happen, and you might feel lighter.

I find that passage irresistible. (I have, of course, underlined it.) My wish, greater than any I’ve ever had, is that I can somehow, in spite of myself, find a way to live it. But where to begin?

***

CWM (Confusionist White Male), young at heart,
open-minded, God-curious, seeks omniscient deity for
fun, maybe more. Me: Funny. Endearingly neurotic.
Loves books and bags. Likes to watch. Hoping for
more. You: All-powerful but kind and loving. Sense of
humor. Health-conscious. Good with kids. Talker.
Please no smokers or smiters. Are you the answer to my
prayers? Serious replies only

I look at the words I've just typed, flickering on the screen. Not bad, I think. They neatly capture what I'm looking for, and in a format that seems surprisingly apt. Romantic and divine courtship have much in common. Both demand courage, a high tolerance for disappointment, and an unflagging faith in the power of dumb luck. There is such a thing as spiritual compatibility. We do not find all Gods equally appealing any more than we find all potential mates equally appealing, and finding the right God, I suspect, is every bit as daunting as finding the right partner. I'll take all the help I can get. I'm not sure where I'd place such an ad, though, and worry I might attract some crazy deity, one who looks nothing like His profile photo and is concealing a dark past. You can't be too careful out there.

This is where flirtation comes into play. Flirtation is a safe way of taking a potential relationship for a test drive. The flirter signals the flirtee and waits for a response. If none arrives, no feelings are hurt, and both parties move on. If the signal is reciprocated, though, the flirtation accelerates and may lead to more - or not; flirtation, like cooking, possesses its own unconsummated pleasures.

Our divine flirtations have grown increasingly bold and, at times, frenetic. We are a spiritually promiscuous nation. Nearly one in three Americans will change their religious affiliation over the course of their lifetime, according to a recent survey. It makes sense. We are a people that worship choice. Choice is freedom. Choice is good. If we can choose our elected leaders, our calling plan, our toothpaste, why not our God?

Choosing is not one of my talents, though. In fact, I am a terrible chooser. I always feel as if there is one, and only one, "right" decision, and live in chronic fear of making any number of other "wrong" decisions. So I tend to get stuck a lot, paralyzed by the fear of choosing the less-than-perfect thing. I find it helps to narrow my choices. I've been a vegetarian for the past seventeen years - not out of any concern about the treatment of animals (I don't care that much) or health benefits (again, don't care) but simply because it makes it easier to decide what to order in a restaurant. Really. I envy those who make choices effortlessly, and wonder: How can I possibly choose a God? I decide to look at the menu. See what my options are. I mean, how many Gods can there be out there? Nine thousand and nine hundred, it turns out, with two or three new religions formed every day. That's according to David B. Barrett, a former Anglican missionary who has been tracking world religions since the 1970s and knows of what he speaks.

Nearly 10,000 religions! How can this be? I experience that same flash of panic I get at the supermarket cereal aisle. As the French say, Trop de choix tue le choix. Too much choice kills the choice. Excessive choice has another insidious effect: It creates the illusion of ease. A proliferation of health clubs, for instance, leads us to believe that it is easy to get into shape, and if we're not, then - well, what the hell is wrong with us? Likewise, a proliferation of religious and spiritual options creates the illusion that it is easier than ever to know God. It is not.

I stumble across something called "rational-choice theory," and I like the way that sounds. (The rational part, not the choice part.) Proponents of this theory believe we choose our religion in much the same way we choose a new car or a house or a breakfast cereal. We weigh the benefits of a given faith against the costs and then make a "rational" choice. I'm skeptical. Choosing a religion is fundamentally different from choosing a breakfast cereal. Yes, we want something out of it, but we also want something that we don't yet know we want. ("Behold my need which I know not myself!" cried Archbishop Fénelon.) How can we possibly choose something of which we're not aware? Choosing a faith is an act of faith, yet we don't have that faith yet, which is why we're looking for one in the first place. You see the problem.

Maybe my choice doesn't matter. Maybe I could just throw a dart at the list of religions and take my chances. Hard-core atheists like Christopher Hitchens say sure, throw the dart. Religion, Hitchens says, is all mush, so feel free to choose your mush - or even mix various kinds of mush. In the end, you'll just get more mush. On the other extreme lies the politically correct belief that all religions are equally valid. In one study, nearly half of those surveyed agreed that "all religions of the world are equally true and good." I find this extraordinary. Would we say that about anything else? Would we say that all forms of government, be it totalitarian or democracy, were equally true and good? Would we say that all corporations were equally true and good? Would we say that all toaster ovens were equally true and good? Yet when it comes to religion we jettison our powers of discernment. Saying all religions are equally true and good is like saying none is, and that brings us full circle back to the atheists.

Religion, at its best, helps us grapple with, if not answer, the three big questions: Where do we come from? What happens when we die? How should we live our lives? In this sense, religion is a kind of applied philosophy or, as Alfred North Whitehead put it, "What a man does with his solitariness." All of which, I figure, makes choosing the "right" religion that much more urgent. "Seek and you shall find," the Bible says, as if it were so easy. Seeking (the word derives from "sagacious") requires a robust dose of intuition, a sort of spiritual intelligence. Do I have that?

I print out a list of religions. Page after page materializes from my printer until I am holding a sheaf 50-deep. I sigh. There must be a way to narrow this down. Some religions I can eliminate immediately. Zoroastrianism, for instance, is a very old and fascinating faith but one that does not accept converts. The Rastafarians intrigue but smell like an excuse to fly to Jamaica, listen to reggae, and smoke some weed. Sadly, I scratch the Rastas. At this point, my father's advice springs to mind. "Eric," he said, "never date a woman crazier than yourself." He was right about women (a lesson I learned the hard way), but I'm not so sure the same applies to gods. One man's crazy is another man's liturgy or, as author and mathematician Martin Gardner puts it: "Exotic doctrines and legends always seem funny, just as everybody else's big toe looks funny." Besides, I've always found much wisdom loitering in life's margins. So, no, I don't dismiss "crazy religions."

I do eliminate cults, though, which I define not by their oddness or newness but their coercive tactics. I eliminate the "parody religions" such as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, a faith invented in order to mock faith. I eliminate religions that require the use of hallucinogens, owing to a bad experience I had in a New Jersey dorm room in the 1980s that I would rather not talk about. Some religions seem overly narrow, such as Hungarian Folk Religion; others, such as Unitarian Universalists, overly broad. Believing in everything looks a lot like believing in nothing.

In the end, I come up with a list of eight faiths, eight possible answers to the ER nurse's question. A smattering of monotheistic, polytheistic, and atheistic religions. Some, like Catholicism, solidly mainstream; others, like witchcraft, solidly not. I have chosen not entire faiths but, rather, slivers of belief. God slices. I figure it is easier to wrap my mind around, say, Sufism, than it is all of Islam. Likewise with Kabbalah and Judaism. I am naturally drawn to the mystical paths, which strike me as a necessary counterweight to my head-heavy existence.

Religions aim high but often fall short of their own lofty ideals, as even a cursory glance at the day's headlines reveals: Muslim suicide bombers, Catholic pedophile priests, various doomsday cults. These perversions explain why so many of my friends give religion, all religion, a very wide berth. For them, nothing is worthy of belief. Belief is for suckers. Mentioning God in anything other than a mocking, ironic tone is viewed as laughably atavistic, like an outbreak of acne at age forty. If I am going to find my God I will need to disarm this caustic cynicism, kill it, while leaving unharmed its necessary sibling, skepticism. This won't be easy.

Indeed, I'm not sure how to launch my search, so I resort to my default strategy: I read. Books, I reason, have steered many a person to faith. "Pick it up and read it" were the words, uttered by a child, that inspired Saint Augustine to read the Bible and thus transform his life from one of self-degradation to bliss. I read Tolstoy and Huxley and Merton and Heschel and Gandhi. I read a lot of William James. Brother of the novelist Henry James, William studied medicine but soon discovered he was more interested in matters of the mind, and the heart. He became a philosopher and, a new profession at the time, psychologist. His masterpiece is a thick tome called The Varieties of Religious Experience. As the title suggests, James was not much interested in rituals or theology. He wanted to know how religion affected people personally, not what they believed but what they experienced. The book, published in 1902, is often cited as the first scientific approach to the study of religion. It is no mere taxonomy, though. On each page, I sense James's quiet yearning, how he envied those he wrote about, those for whom "religion exists not as a dull habit but as an acute fever." James never experienced that fever himself. He wrote like a world traveler confined to home, forced to rely on secondhand accounts of journeys he desperately wished to take himself.

Like me, James suffered. Throughout his life, he was prone to bouts of depression, and had recurring thoughts of suicide. Perhaps ashamed of his melancholy, as am I, he hid it from public view, only writing about it briefly under the guise of a "French correspondent," whom he quotes as saying, "I have always thought that this experience of melancholia of mine had a religious bearing."

Like me, James could not pray. (He felt "foolish and artificial.") Like me, he was obsessed with death, and like me William James was a case study in competing impulses. He complained about Americans' mindless worship of the "Bitch-goddess SUCCESS" yet tracked his book sales with greedy eyes. He was a hard-nosed scientist but also a "tender-minded" one, as he put it. Ultimately, as his biographer Linda Simon writes, "he was convinced of his own essential complexity." James was, in today's parlance, high maintenance - something else we have in common, at least according to my wife. William James died in 1910. When doctors performed an autopsy, they found that the cause of death was "acute enlargement of the heart." Of course, I thought. How could it have been anything else?

As much as I admire William James, I do not seek to emulate him. He may have been brilliant, but his brilliance never extended beyond that of an interested observer, nose pressed against the window, peering into people's religious lives from a safe distance. I realize I'll never know that "acute fever" through books, even good ones. No, I need to try on these eight faiths, see if they fit. I need to experience the varieties of religion. I need to get my nose out of these books and onto an airplane. So I do. My nose and I fly to California, which seems like as good a place as any to launch a spiritual quest.

Man Seeks God by Eric Weiner arrives in bookstores in December.

Excerpted from Man Seeks God: My Flirtations with the Divine by Eric Weiner. Copyright © 2011 by Eric Weiner. Reprinted by permission of Twelve Books, an imprint of Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.

improving.....

2011-12-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

I went to Knee doc today for checkup & He showed me pics from surgery.. .my meniscus has significant damage.. somewhat torn off bone. it still looks bad, yet it is fairly strong... Doc & I both really wished I had gotten surgery 3 1/2 years ago!! of course...but i was distracted with life & had minimal pain or complication. I had no idea it was so bad till this summer ... but on the positive side... i'm recovering very well & have fairly good RangeOfMotion & things look very good for 6 weeks out. I will continue PT for 6 more weeks & I will get released to RUN again! I cannot wait -- until then -- i have to continue my "Fast" from running for 6 more weeks.

I also just went to Las Vegas for NFCC (national fastpitch coaches convention).It was a great trip & I have gained so much great knowlege about my favorite sport on earth! I will post pics from the trip soon.

2 weeks since Surgery

2011-11-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have been busy busy this week with 4 hours at the Physical therapist and a couple at the doc & doing lot of work at home getting my ROM ( range of motion) back. I am hopful as the swelling goes down & my Pain level subsides a bit daily. It HURTS soso Much to stretch & work my Left leg as my quad muscles are just starting to regain some strength & my knee straightens out. Still, the surgery will hopefully prove worthwhile. I was thrilled to return to the Y to do some Core & upper body I am looking forward to a full recovery in early 2012!

Physical Therapy

2011-10-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

I went to my 1st session or evaluation for PT at Rehabilitation Associates with Heather M Walling. I had been her patient before surgery & enjoyed working with her. The session went much better than expected. I was able to straighten my knee out & got quad muscles to relax & respond better. I have more range of motion now, so I was very pleased with the outcome of that visit.Now, I have 4 pages of exercises/ stretches to do daily. I will be in PT twice a week for 10 weeks. So i hope to be walking & running by the new year.
I really HATE being LAME!! This is not my thing to lay around when there are dishes, floor & clothes to be cleaned. This morning after getting the kids off to school I actually slept till 1pm! I feel like a lazy bum. but yesterday I was very tired all day & didnt feel well...so I guess this recovery will do what it wants with my body.

LIFE after KNEE Surgery

2011-10-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

on friday I received anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) knee reconstruction with a hamstring tendon graft & Arthroscopy for a torn meniscus.

I have been pretty much immobile since then. I have crutches which I LOATH! Friday after surgery- I woke up in a lot of pain. so they gave me a few doses of Morphine & some percocet later... which felt great. I was very dehydrated. had Dry mouth & a head ache. couldn't even eat a cracker -I tried - about chocked on it. So the alternative was applesauce - that went down a lot easier. I drank 2 Gatorades & felt a tad better. Then when I got up from the chair to move to a wheel chair - I became very nauseated & remained that way the rest of the day and into that night. Saturday was somewhat better.

I had to get the surgery I had a severe tear, pieces of the torn meniscus moved into the joint space. This made my knee catch, pop, or lock.There were weeks when I was unable to straighten it. My knee felt "wobbly" & gave way without warning. It would swell and become stiff right after I would Re injure it or within 2 or 3 days. This would last 2-4 weeks every time i would slip on it.If I went into a squatting position, just doing housework I would have pain and slight swelling. During the surgery the Doctor also found that my bones were grinding on eachother.

I am an avid runner/racer & I enjoy playing & umpiring Fast pitch softball so for me to have a fully functional knee is necessary.

Saturday & Sunday & today have been frustrating. I am a very active person & cannot stand to be confined. I am stuck to getting around on crutches. Even getting in bed has been a royal pain. just lifting or moving my leg in any way causes great pain & cramping. Hip, thigh & calf muscles are all tight & sore. not responding as normal. This has caused me great frustration. The pain these last few days has been very great. I am trying to move my ankle & knee a small amount. The 1st night my incisions bled more than expected. I have been attempting to keep it elevated & Iced but despite this the swelling is much more than I expected. I just hope I don't regret getting this surgery by 2012.

I get extremely upset that I cannot function in a normal capacity. Resting is a challenge for me. Right now I don't know what is too much activity or what is acceptable. I suppose I will find out on Tues when I got to the Physical Therapist.

staying active with Knee injuries!

2011-07-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

I recently found out with an MRI, I have a torn ACl ( injured in a Ski fall in March 2009) & major damage to my meniscus in my left knee. This is all very disheartening, in that I LOVE to RUN, workout, play fastpitch softball & umpire! this Knee injury is creating problems for these activities. I am seeking out alternatives to surgery, but it does not appear that there are any other options. I sincerly am scared of getting a hamstring graft & the price of physical therapy afterwards for 6 months!
For now I am going to PT once a week to strenghten hamstrings & get full range of motion.
After watching this ...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFniNyUpVKw
I am totally Nauseated, sick & grossed out about going for Knee surgery :-( I may just skip it.
This just looks too horrid... it cannot be necessary or good to drill a hole through bone & take a hamstring -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q96M0jRqn7k&feature=related

I have lived with these issues for 2&1/2 years now.. so for now I am just running on a prayer!
http://runningismental.blogspot.com/2009/07/runners-prayer.html

my children's birthdays 2010

2010-10-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been reminded of how quickly time flies. my oldest son just turned 9 years old & my daughter just turned 7 last week-- & i am well on my way to 31 years of age.. I am so proud of the people they have become -- frustrated at times too because i see myself in them or the same struggles they will go through that i did & I fear they may respond simuliarly as I did. The most interesting thing to watch as a parent is watching a small infant gradually over the years develop into their own person, with their own thoughts, opinions, and personalities and the most interesting part of the entire process how it seems to happen in the blink of an eye...

All parents have this feeling. They look down at their children no matter how old they are and think about what it was like to hold them as a baby. I am so blessed to have children & I love to watch them play, grow, learn & mature. they are growing up so quickly, as my mother reminded me in 9 more years my son will be a legal adult! sometimes throughout those 9 years it's seemed like the nights were endless & miserable in the sleeplessnes & illness but today I look back at all of those memories of my little baby boys & girl and I can't help but get
the feeling when my children are all grown up - I will want for one more sleepless night with them in my bed.

Is it so wrong to look back and long for the days when the only thing in the world they needed was you? It makes me feel so old. I know older parents (my own included) will laugh at me considering that I can't possibly appreciate the depth of the feelings I am describing until I am able to see through their eyes. When I watch my chidren turn into parents themselves and experience all the things I am going through now. I will say i appreciate my parents so much more now that i have been a parent for almost a decade.

My mind and heart are both filled with memories of my first born son today and how quickly he's gone from diapers to battling me about what sports he prefers to play.... memories of reading him the same 4 page board book every day several times for months & seeing him now read chapter book at night before bed. I love you, my babies, that is what you will always be in my heart no matter now Big you get. I wish you the best childhood of your life- I can only pray I give you everything God allows :-)

working for a living

2010-08-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am now a "server" at TGIFRiday's http://www.facebook.com/tgifridayslynchburg

so far i enjoy it.. -- this starts a new chapter in my little life ... my kids will be attending school while i work. I am looking forward to this arrangement & praying it works out well for our family

Running

2010-07-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

well i am officially training for my 1st marathon... the Outer Banks http://www.obxmarathon.com/ In Nov, I will be turning 31 that week. so I figure it's time to accomplish a goal.
I think of myself as a very athletic & fit person, but here i am sore just from running 8 miles 3 days in a row on pavement. I think my Knee, Heel, & thighs prefer the treadmill. This is a journey & I will succeed even if i am in pain

the edge of desire -John Mayer

2010-05-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHnv3D0vWWQ&feature=related

Young and full off running
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinite

love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be?

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

so young and full off running
all the way to the edge of desire
steady my breathing
silently screaming
I have to have you now

wired and I'm tired
think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
baby this mattress will spin on it's axis
and find me on yours

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

BRIDGE

don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me

brick by brick

2010-05-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8p7hMapxUQ

The dust has finally settled down
The sun is shining on these pieces that are scattered all around
This house was everything we knew
Its where we kept our love and
every single memory of me and you
Every letter, every note, every dress you never wore under your coat
Thrown away
Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor
If we hold onto each other, we'll be better than before.
And brick by brick,
we will get back to yesterday
When I made your body shiver and
when you took my breath away,
you took my breath away.

The sky has made it back to blue,
everything that's left is telling us the worst of it is through.
Home has never felt so right, there's nothing in the way.
There's nothing in between us
knowing where we're going is inside.
Every letter that I wrote,
every dress you never wore under your coat
Thrown away
Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor
If we hold on to each other,
we'll be better than before.
And brick by brick,
we'll get back to yesterday.
When I made your body shiver
and when you took my breath away.

All the pictures that we've taken
and the songs that we have played
They have all kept track and
followed back the love that we have made.
Now they're spread out on the
surface where we can try to congregate
It's not too late to believe that we can get it all again
Brick by brick, we can build it from the floor,
If we hold onto each other,
we'll be better than before.
And brick by brick,
we'll get back to yesterday
When I made your body shiver and
when you took my breath away,
you took my breath away.
Brick by brick
We'll get back to yesterday,
when I made your body shiver and
when you took my breath away,
you took my breath away.

2010-03-30T13:58:00.001-07:00

Ryan Adams and Gilliam Welch singing "Revelator" http://www.youtube.com /watch?v=Wu4j2OnJsJA
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=11932017&pli=1

2010-03-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

Ryan Adams and Gilliam Welch singing "Revelator" http://www.youtube.com /watch?v=Wu4j2OnJsJA

Album 12/30/09 (105 photos), by amber dewald

2009-12-30T19:03:00.001-08:00

I'd like to share my Walgreens Photo Center photos with you. Once you have checked out my photos you can order prints and upload your own photos to share.

God's Christmas Gift

2009-12-30T05:26:00.000-08:00

by Greg Laurie

Over the years, the legendary Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog has featured some pretty extravagant gifts.

The 1963 catalog offered his-and-her submarines for $18,000. In the 1964 catalog, you could buy a hot air balloon for $6,000. In 1967, the catalog's offerings included a pair of camels for $4,000. And in 1971, an actual mummy case was selling for $16,000. But in 2006, Neiman Marcus upped the ante with a trip to outer space for $1.7 million.

Maybe a ticket to space isn't at the top of your wish list this year, but perhaps you have certain expectations of what you hope to find waiting for you under the Christmas tree. If you put your hope in what Christmas offers, however, you will be very disappointed.

But if you can get past that to what Christmas is really all about, it truly can be "the most wonderful time of the year."

The wise men brought the rather unusual gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to Jesus. But the first Christmas gifts were not gifts to the Child. The first Christmas gift was the gift of the Child.

Christmas, at its best and purest state, is a promise of something else, something that no holiday or experience or earthly thing can satisfy. Galatians 4:4–5 says, "But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons" (NIV). Isaiah 9:6 offers a description of what God has given to us:

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (NKJV)

Each of the above names of Jesus deals with an important area of our lives. They are like five Christmas gifts that we can open, and each is special and unusual.

First, His name is Wonderful. That takes care of the dullness of life. "Wonderful" comes from the root word "wonder." The word used here could also be translated as "amazing, surprising, astonishing, or awe-inspiring." And as I contemplate the fact that the Almighty God made this sacrifice for me, it will produce in my heart a sense of bewilderment, awe, and, finally, worship.

Second, His name is Counselor. That takes care of the decisions of life. We all have very important decisions that we have to make. The God who is Wonderful wants to give us counsel and direction. God has a plan for each of our lives—an individual plan, not a one-size-fits-all plan. When you are overwhelmed with the decisions of life, remember that there is a God who wants to counsel you.

Third, He is the Mighty God. That takes care of the demands of life. We need to be reminded that Jesus was not just a good man. He was the God-man. And this God who is Wonderful, this God who wants to be your Counselor, will give you the strength to live the life He has called you to live.

Fourth, His name is Everlasting Father. That takes care of the destiny of life. We believe in an Everlasting Father with no beginning and with no end. It reminds us that life on Earth is temporal, that heaven is so much better than anything this world has to offer.

Also, this hope of an Everlasting Father resonates with those who have never had an earthly father. Because of what Jesus did for us, we can now refer to the Almighty God, Creator of the universe, as our Father who is in heaven.

Fifth, His name is the Prince of Peace. That takes care of the disturbances of life. Life is filled with disturbances and, quite frankly, Christmas can be one of the most stressful times of the year. Old problems are often brought back to the surface. Friction, stress, and problems that you are having with various family members can be at the forefront of your life at this time of year.

But here is One who is the Prince of Peace, One who will help you with the disturbances of life.

Whatever gifts you may have waiting for you this Christmas, they pale in comparison to God's gift for you. It is better than anything the Neiman Marcus catalog can offer. It is the only gift that truly keeps on giving: the gift of eternal life.

2009-12-23T09:24:00.001-08:00

praises God for heaven's Love reaching down to save the world! You are here with us
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D29DiDw0Mf8

9 words that changed my life.

2009-12-20T10:34:00.001-08:00

9 words that changed my life.

Posted using ShareThis

Oklahoma trip 2009

2009-11-19T19:30:00.000-08:00

i drove to Oklahoma from VA - me, my 3 kids & Sadie ( my crazy Rottweiler) - she is staying here with my dad. I am heading to Dallas in the AM with Angie for the weekend .. I'll be sure to post pics soon

Tunes to fit my mood

2009-10-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

Sufjan Stevens - to be alone with you

I'd swim across lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room

To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your goals

To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I'll never know the man who loved me

Lifehouse- Broken

Lyrics:
The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

wake me up when September ends

2009-10-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
Lyrics: Wake me up when September Ends, Green Day

U2 Charlottesville, VA Oct 1st 2009

2009-10-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

U2 & MUSE Charlottesville, VA Oct 1st 2009

2009-10-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

U2 & MUSE stage Charlottesville, VA Oct 1st 2009 -- Don & I & a lotta Lynchburg friends went to the concert.. it was AMAZING!
& some video of U2!

2009 VA 10 miler

2009-09-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

3. 213 29 AMBER DEWALD LYNCHBURG VA 2 31:37 2 39:21 1:10:57 1:11:02

http://www.virginia10miler.com/dotnetnuke/Portals/0/09VA10miler.txt

Happy Independence Day, and God bless America. by Glenn Beck

2009-07-04T04:55:00.000-07:00

Hello America,

Here it is, another Fourth of July. Traditionally, this is a day to gather with friends, maybe fire up the barbeque and play with kids until the sun sets and the fireworks start. But in thinking back on the meaning behind this day, we must never forget that our nation was baptized in the blaze of a very different kind of "fireworks." Yes, this is a day of rest and relaxation, as well it should be, but this year…I'd like to ask you a favor. At some point during the day, I hope you'll take time to think and reflect on what it is we're truly celebrating on the 4th of July -- our Independence Day. Of course the Declaration of Independence was signed on July 4th, 1776 but it's so much more than that. On this day, 233 short years ago, a small group of men dedicated themselves to a higher purpose, an ideal they believed in so greatly, they signed their name to its expression and in doing so put their very lives at risk.

Never has a simple act of signing one's name carried such weight, such a profound commitment. By signing the Declaration of Independence, 56 men stood in direct defiance of the British government. They became marked men, and willingly so. As I was doing some research on the significance of July 4th, I came across some interesting facts about these men. Today as we all enjoy the freedom our forefathers guaranteed us, join me in honoring the extraordinary sacrifice of 56 extraordinary Americans.

Of the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence:

Five were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes burned to the ground. Two lost sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, and two more had sons captured. Nine fought and died in the Revolutionary War.
If you ever feel like your lone voice can never be heard, that the political system isn't set up for "regular" Americans to change the course of history, remember: The signers were flesh and blood, mortal men with a divinely-inspired aim.

Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists, eleven were merchants, and nine were farmers and large plantation owners. They were well educated, smart enough to know that by signing the Declaration of Independence, they were signing their own death warrants. They did it anyway, and God bless them for it.

As we enjoy our liberty on this 4th of July, or any day of any month, we must never take that liberty for granted. Too many have given too much. In the words of the Signers themselves, "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

Their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor -- I think that's a price paid worth a few minutes of reflection, don't you? But let's not be solemn in that reflection. I say rejoice and share this information with your friends and family, especially your kids. The Signers asked for nothing in return for their pledge, but I say that we show our thanks with a pledge of our own: To remember, to be grateful, and to carry on in their spirit. America is the greatest country this world has ever and will ever know, and it will stay that way so long as "we the people" remember that just like in 1776.

It's US that surrounds them, and we'll never back down.

Happy Independence Day, and God bless America.

Glenn Beck

insights from Rick Warren

2009-05-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, 'Purpose Driven Life ' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.
One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.
The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.
I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.
And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:
If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.
It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit.. We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

my 1st race in 15 years

2009-04-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

http://www.riversiderunners.com/Results/2009Results/09Race4life.txt

my 5K time was 21:17 - I was very happy & surprised with this time

Jadyn's 1st t-ball game

2009-04-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

Hike to the LU sign - April 12th 2009

2009-04-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Easter ..

2009-04-13T09:52:00.000-07:00

Easter - family pictures

2009-04-13T09:50:00.000-07:00

Easter 2009-1

2009-04-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

Flightless bird

2009-03-25T05:28:00.000-07:00

"I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere

Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming

Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream

Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down"

-Iron & Wine : Flightless Bird, American Mouth Lyrics
(from the Twilight soundtrack)

Rise up climbing

2009-03-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

my 1st RISE UP CLIMBING

2009-03-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

www.riseupclimbing.com

I Run To You

2009-03-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

this is a song from Lady Antebellum
but I like to put it into the Context of Running to the Arms of GOD.

"I run from hate
I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists
But I run too late
I run my life
Or is it running me
Run from my past
I run too fast
Or too slow it seems
When lies become the truth
That’s when I run to you

http://www.last.fm/music/Lady+Antebellum

This world keeps spinning faster
Into a new disaster so I run to you
I run to you
And when it all starts coming undone
Baby you’re the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin’ right on through
And our love’s the only truth
That’s why I run to you

2009-03-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

"There is no man on the face of this earth that is going to fill your needs and desires. We need to turn that desire to the right target. We were created with needs and desires in order to point us and to draw us and to lure us and entice us and make us fall in love with Him to whom those desires point. That is true."

"What He (GOD) is concerned about is that we have hearts that say yes to Him and that love Him and that are willing to be crazy enough to say, “What He has made is beautiful,” and crazy enough to say, “Selfless living, sacrificial living, laying down my life in emulation of the Christ I love is worth it!”

from Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss

http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php

Trip to Florida

2009-03-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

The Greatest Life

2009-02-05T11:39:00.000-08:00

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. — Galatians 2:20

If you want to be a true follower of Jesus, you need to take up your cross. Jesus said, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me" (Matthew 16:24).

That may sound miserable to some of us. You envision yourself carrying around some huge, wooden cross-living a miserable life, a life of selfless sacrifice.

Let me share something with you. Taking up the cross of Christ means that I come to the Lord and say, "God, I realize you know more about life than I do. You know my future and what is best for me. And Lord, I want what You want for me more than what I want for myself. I am willing to put Your will above my own. If that means letting go of something that would hold me back or hurt me spiritually, I'm willing. If that means cutting loose something that is dragging me down, I'm willing. Because I know that You love me and have my best interest in mind."

That is why the apostle Paul said, "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20).

The greatest life is the life that has been exchanged-the life that has been given to God. And the greatest life is living in obedience to Jesus Christ.
blog written by
Greg Laurie
http://blog.greglaurie.com/

super bowl ads 2009

2009-02-02T06:53:00.000-08:00

I really liked the HULU.com ad & Coke commercial with the bugs was cute ... & the 3-D ones are fun too! "/
http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/quarter1/Doritos-Snow_Globe/2409718

http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/quarter4/Hulu-Alec_Baldwin/2409778

http://superbowlads.fanhouse.com/quarter3/Coca_Cola-Picnic/2409767

ICE on the Trees ... January 2009

2009-01-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

Moral Courage

2009-01-27T08:26:00.000-08:00

What is courage? According to one definition, courage (also known as bravery, will, and fortitude) is the ability to confront rear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is bravery in the face of physical pain, hardship, or threat of death.

We see courage on display every day from our troops defending our freedom overseas, as well as those brave police officers and firefighters that put their lives on the line for us every day.
physical courage is not the only kind of courage that exists. There is also moral courage, the ability to do what is right in the face of popular opposition or discouragement.

It takes courage to do the right thing today, to stand up for what the Bible says about right and wrong, good and evil.

It takes courage to live honestly, with integrity, avoiding the "shortcuts" that may get you ahead but take you down spiritually and morally.

It takes courage to honor the vows you made to be faithful to your spouse and stand by them "for better or for worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and health," as opposed to abandoning them when the marriage gets challenging.

It takes courage to remain sexually pure as a single person with all the pressure today from peers and the media.

And it takes courage to follow Jesus Christ, no matter how hard it gets.

25 Random and not so random things about me...

2009-01-25T14:54:00.000-08:00

i only did this cuz it's Sunday & i had some free time

1.I love running & working out! i think i am addicted to the endorphins... that could be a serious problem.. i should look into that

2. I grew up in the country in Bixby, Oklahoma- I am an OKIE!

3. I have 3 kids. a boy,CALEB girl, Jadyn & boy Ethan- I LOVE them VERY MUCH! <3

4.
I love Big Dogs & Horses, any kind of bird ( i raised all sorts of
Fowl as a kid) - I had a pet goose, Peacock, & sparrow i raised
after it fell out of it's nest. ( i like to nurture nature!)

5. I am the oldest of 6 kids. so yes i can be Bossy ;-)

6.
I started playing softball when i was 11 & played through college.
my favorite postilions are pitching,catching, 3rd & pinch hitter!

7.
i have an associates of science - because i wanted to be a large animal
veternarian but have a bachelors in Graphic design & advertising (
which i have never used)

8. I do not consider myself a
materialistic person. I believe things are not important. people &
relationships are what matters.

9. I enjoy reading anything & everything -- the Bible though is of course the MOST important piece of literature

10.
I am very interested in political things.( RIGHT WING ADVOCATE) I am
considering a career in politics ;-) - YOU should VOTE FOR ME! Ronald
Reagan is my hero!

11. I lived in LA, CA the summers i was 11 & 14 with my sister & cousins & aunt & uncle.

12.
I have the best memories from my childhood with my 5 siblings
especially my sister Aubra. my parents made us do everything
together.sports,lessons, you name it- we did it together. people
thought we were twins.. but we are 21 months apart.

13.i am
obsessed with coloring my hair.. i have done it since i was 14 -I just
love to try new things, but i have toned down in my older age :-)

14.
I was homeschooled till 10th grade.. & now i homeschool my 2 older
kids. but i hope to get some sorta job ( for now i umpire girl's
softball in the summer & spring) ...
15. so i can hire a MAID! i hate house work & cleaning! ( cleaning is such a waste of time! it'll be messy again tomarrow )

16. I love Roller coasters & hope to SKY DIVE someday - i am a thrill seeker

17. I like to work & be busy... I enjoy a long Hard day's work

18.
I like tv too much... my husband & i weren't allowed to watch much
growing up.. so now we watch too much tv & movies ( we even have a
BIG screen) - MY Mother thinks i am a heathen

19. I love ANY form of ART: art, drama, music -i love to take pictures & I like to draw.

20. I am PROUD to be an American GUN owner -I have my concealed carry license

21. I love Mexican, spanish food.. love the SPICY STUFF! peppers here I come

22. I prefer warm & hot weather.. to cold temps. I love to be outside. I grow my own tomatoes & Peppers for SALSA!

23. i like Baseball & football.

24. I LOVE to dance! any kind of dancing is SO VERY MUCH FUN!

25. i appreciate what God has given me in my life - I am blessed in spite of myself

a word from Rush

2009-01-17T15:54:00.000-08:00

Pearl of Wisdom from Rush Limbaugh: "I got a request here from a major American print publication asking for 400 words on my hope for the Obama presidency. I don't need 400 words. I need four: I hope he fails. Everybody thinks that's outrageous to say. What's unfair about my saying I hope liberalism fails? Were the liberals out there hoping Bush succeeded or were they out there trying to destroy him? Liberalism is our problem. It's what has gotten us dangerously close to the precipice. Why do I want more of it?" -RushLimbaugh.com

notes from the Glenn Beck program..

2009-01-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

IN less than one Week Barak Obama will take the Office of the President... where will our country be headed? will we become a socialist nation?

January 13, 2009- GLENN BECK

Every liberal policy in a nutshell

Janeane Garofalo (annoying liberal, bad comedian) is in this season of '24' as one of the computer geeks that can access all kinds of live traffic cams for the FBI and such and so far is actually very good. One scene featuring Garofalo caught Glenn's attention because it was the perfect example of what liberal decision making is based on. Read the transcript.

Goodbye Gitmo?

Barack Obama says he's going to shut down Gitmo---well, sort of shut it down. He talks tough about shutting it down---yet he also rambles on about how tough that will be (like, gee, where are we going to put all of these terrorists?) and maybe it won't get done as fast as he wants it to. Obama and the rest of the weasels in Washington are lowering the expectation bar so low that if they did nothing it would be an accomplishment--it's time for real leadership in Washington, not focus groups and polling data and trying to please all sides. Will Obama be able to shut down Gitmo---and should he? Read the transcript.

God’s Gift to Us

2008-12-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

Category: Religion

God's Gift to Us (Part 1)

When you're a child, Christmas is all about receiving gifts. In December, your head is swimming with nothing but images of your favorite toys.

But the true message of Christmas is not the presents we give to one another. The true meaning is the gift that God gave to us, His Son Jesus Christ.

During the next two days, I want to point out to you three things about the gift God gave to us in that tiny manger in Bethlehem.

The first thing we want to realize about God's gift to us is that it came in simple wrapping. Some people will go to great lengths to wrap presents beautifully. But God's gift came to us not in beautiful, ornate wrapping, but in a dirty manger found in a cold cave in a little-known town called Bethlehem.

That's the beauty of the Christmas event. Jesus took His place in a manger so that we might have a home in heaven. The Savior was not wrapped in satin sheets, but in common rags. There in a manger rested the greatest gift in the plainest of wrapping.

The second thing I want to point out about God's gift to us is that we don't deserve it. Consider this: God gave us the ultimate gift of His Son Jesus Christ while we were still sinning against Him (see Romans 5:8).

We did nothing whatsoever to merit or deserve His gift. That is the amazing truth of Christmas. Despite who we are, God sent His Son so "that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life" (John 3:16).

With Christmas just days away, begin to prepare your heart for the celebration of the birth of our Savior. Meditate on the fact that Jesus was born to die so that we might live.

God's Gift to Us (Part 2)

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.
— John 3:17

We celebrate Christmas in order to rejoice over God's most precious gift to us. The birth of Jesus Christ is a gift from God that came in simple wrapping, as well as a gift we don't deserve. But the gift of Christ also explains His purpose for humankind.

The gift of Christ was no afterthought. Long before there was a stable in Bethlehem, before Adam and Eve ever set eyes on each other, and even before there existed a garden called Eden, God decided to send His Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins.

From the beginning, God knew humankind would fall short of His glory. That is why the Scriptures proclaim that Jesus Christ was slain from the foundation of the world (see Revelation 13:8).

God made a decision from the very beginning that Christ would come to this earth to live and die and rise again from the dead. God's gift to us proves His purpose to redeem us.

The gift of Jesus Christ is what Christmas is all about. Jesus came near to us so we could come near to Him.

Christmas is not about tinsel or shopping or gifts under a tree. Christmas is about the gift God gave on the tree where Christ died for our sins, giving us the gift of eternal life.

That is what He has accomplished. This is the gift He extends. And if you receive it, you will experience the merriest Christmas of all.

written by - Greg Laurie

Have Pastor Greg's devotions blessed you? Write and tell him!
Greg@harvest.org

For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
— Isaiah 9:6

more from december in oklahoma

2008-12-21T04:46:00.000-08:00

pics from my December in Oklahoma

2008-12-21T04:42:00.000-08:00

Decorating the Christmas tree

2008-12-21T04:39:00.000-08:00

2008-12-21T04:37:00.002-08:00

Family picture November 2008

2008-12-21T04:37:00.001-08:00

I want to know Truth in my Heart, not just in my head

2008-12-21T04:35:00.000-08:00

I couldn’t sleep… so I decided I should read from my devotional book that I’ve sorta put aside while I’ve been at my parent’s house… this is a really good study book so far…
The topic: How do I “Change” instead of just “trying to do what’s right” and failing miserably?
I want to know Truth in my Heart, not just in my head
(verses from chapter 4 of: Lord, I need Grace to make it Today) by Kay Arthur
2 Corinthians 3:5-9 NIV 5Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
The Glory of the New Covenant 7Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, 8will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? 9If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!
2 Corinthians 4:7-12 (NIV) 7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Hebrews 10:29 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace?
Romans 3 & 4
Ephesians 2:8-9 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast.
Romans 4:5-6 5However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness.6David says the same thing when he speaks of the blessedness of the man to whom God credits righteousness apart from works:
Romans 10:3 Since they did not know the righteousness that comes from God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness.
Galatians 2:16 know that a man is not justified by observing the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ. So we, too, have put our faith in Christ Jesus that we may be justified by faith in Christ and not by observing the law, because by observing the law no one will be justified.
Galatians 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace.
2 Corinthians 3:5-16 5Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. 6He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.
The Glory of the New Covenant 7Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, 8will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? 9If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! 10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!
12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.
Romans 5:12-21 12Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— 13for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. 14Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.
15But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.
18Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.
20The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
1 Corinthians 15:45-48 If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. 45So it is written: "The first man Adam became a living being"[e]; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. 46The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. 47The first man was of the dust of the earth, the second man from heaven. 48As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the man from heaven, so also are those who are of heaven. 49And just as we have borne the likeness of the earthly man, so shall we[f] bear the likeness of the man from heaven.
James 4:6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble."

Choose Life

2008-12-17T09:35:00.001-08:00

"I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore choose life, that both you and your descendants may live" — Deuteronomy 30:19

Life is a choice. God makes that clear in Deuteronomy 30:19. We not only decide where we are going in this life, but we decide where we will spend eternity.

What road are you on today? Which way are you going? If you are living for yourself, if you are living for pleasure, if you are living for happiness, you are going to be empty and you are never going to find what you are looking for.

As Solomon, the great king of Israel, said: "And indeed all was vanity and grasping for the wind. There was no profit under the sun" (Ecclesiastes 2:11).

If you live for happiness or for pleasure, then those things will always be beyond your grasp.

However, if you change your course and follow Jesus Christ, He will give you the absolute assurance of life beyond the grave, life in His presence, life in a place called heaven, which is greater than anything you could imagine.

As you walk with Christ, He will also give you a life here on earth that is full and rich with true purpose and meaning. The alternative is a life without true purpose, where you reap the consequences of sin and one day face a certain judgment.

I encourage you today to choose life.

http://www.harvest.org/

2008-12-14T20:51:00.001-08:00

Funny how time and distance change you: The road you take dont always lead you home. You can start a love with good intentions, Then you'll look up and its gone. -- from me & charlie talking ( Miranda Lambert)

LIFE

2008-12-13T05:39:00.001-08:00

Amber want U 2 know: Life is about what happens beyond the grave. Life is about knowing the God who made you and who gave you the greatest gift you will ever receive

caught in the middle

2008-12-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

the wayward child

2008-08-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

these are lyrics from Natalie Cole. They spoke deeply to me, and were a blessing and an encouragement to me!

I have been the wayward child
I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty
And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart
Many times before
My life has been like broken glass
And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone
My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

And the chaos in my life
Has been a badge I've worn
Though I have been torn
I will not be moved
I will not be moved
I will not be moved

I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved
I will not be moved

Ethan & Me-- April 2008

2008-06-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

may 31st

2008-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

desire

2008-06-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

Just as Death and Destruction are never satisfied,
so human desire is never satisfied. Proverbs 27:20

Prov 9:17-18 "Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!"
But little do they know that the dead are there. Her guests are in the depths of the grave.

“ It's the lie that our desires can be satisfied that keeps us lusting.”

LIfe & Death

2008-05-07T19:23:00.001-07:00

The Goal of life is always to depend on the will of God. Our times are not in our own hands, but at the disposal of God.
The length of our days on earth is brief:
James1:10 But the one who is rich should take pride in his low position, because he will pass away like a wild flower
James 4:14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
Job 7:7 Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath…
Psalm 102:11 My days are like the evening shadow;
I wither away like grass
Psalm 103:15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.
1 Samuel 20:3 …Yet as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death."
God determines how long our life will be:

Psalm 22: 29 All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.
Psalms 31: 5 My times are in your hands
Job 33: 4 The Spirit of God has made me;
the breath of the Almighty gives me life
Job 34:14-15 If it were his intention and he withdrew his spirit and breath, 15 all mankind would perish together
and man would return to the dust.
Job 14: 5 Man's days are determined;
you have decreed the number of his months
and have set limits he cannot exceed.
Job 12:9-10 Which of all these does not know
that the hand of the LORD has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.
Psalm 139:16 Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Revelation 1: 18 I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.

What should my attitude toward life be?
Proverbs 27 :1 Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

Psalm 31:14-15 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.
Psalm 39:4-5 "Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath.

In memory of Barret Helper

2008-05-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

Love and Marriage... go together like a horse (bucking bronco) and carriage

2008-04-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

“Marriage is the merciless revealer, the great white searchlight turned on the darkest places of human nature.” – Katherine Anne Porter

“Marriage is the Crucible in which we realize our darkest nature. We discover things about ourselves we do not like, and we wonder tough times if there is any hope for improvement.”
“Forgiveness. We are stingy when giving it to others. It’s hard to love people so different from us. Nonetheless, we are called to love even the unlovely and to serve even those who cannot repay us ( Luke 14) IF we let Differences get in love’s way, we shrink our world and become little self-islands. How boring. And taken to logical extreme, loving only those who can relate to and who don’t challenge us ensures that we’ll never love God much either. He is incredibly different than us.”
Love is learned and marriage is the most demanding classroom of love.
The need to comfort your inner darkness is not the same anywhere else as it is in marriage. The hell you have faced and experienced can grow your soul. You can be more loving, caring, understanding, shrewd, authentic, and honest. You can be less judgmental. You can become a brighter redemptive force of light – even if your spouse or loved one does not change. Your bigger soul will become more attractive. So much of this growth revolves around forgiveness. There exists what some might mistakenly call a selfish side to the act of pardoning someone for wrongdoing. This quality isn’t selfish, though- just mutually beneficial.
“Forgiveness is an act of self-defense, a tourniquet that stops the fatal bleeding of resentment.” – Gary Thomas
“Forgiveness is a love practiced among people who love poorly” – Henri Nouwen

“If you think it’s too hard to forgive someone who has done horrible things, you need to think again. You can love the sinner and at the same time hate the sin.
– excerpts from Paul & Sandy Coughlin

gossip

2008-04-13T17:11:00.000-07:00

In the past year and before my life has been greatly affected by harmful gossip. Gossip just plain hurts people. So while many may innocently "dish," "get the goods," or hear "the dirt" on someone, God doesn't take gossip lightly. He says our tongues are set on fire by hell (James 3:6). He commands us not to gossip. For example, Proverbs 4:24 reminds us to keep corrupt talk from our lips. And God doesn't want us listening to gossip, either. Hearing gossip is about as bad as spreading it, since you can't erase the negative words you've heard about a person. Proverbs 26:22 says, "The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man's inmost parts."

A wise and godly friend gave our bible study group the THINK questions to ask before saying something. Is what you're about to say True, Helpful, Informative, Necessary and Kind? If not, it probably should not be verbalized. I try to use this a quick check when making a decision about what I should do or say.
Ask yourself questions based on the Rotary International's Four Way Test: Is what we're saying the truth? Is it fair to all concerned? Will it build better relationships? Is the talk beneficial?

Use Philippians 4:8 as a guide: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

As Beth Moore writes in When Godly People Do Ungodly Things, "Prayer keeps the mouth open before God on the matter, rather than open before others … We have no business gossiping about members of the Body of Christ [or nonbelievers for that matter]. If we would turn the time we spent discussing the other's life into prayer time instead, no telling what would happen to the glory of God."
As I try to focus on what's good to discuss, I remember to put it to the test of Philippians 4:8. And what if there's nothing good to say? Then in the words of our mothers' age-old advice, "If you can't find anything good to say, then say nothing at all!

jadyn 4-08

2008-04-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

jadyn 4-08

2008-04-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

april in the park

2008-04-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

April in Tulsa Time

2008-04-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

Coming Home

2008-03-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

Current mood: adventurous
Category: Life

don & i & the kids are driving to my HOME in OKLAHOMA to visit with Family for a Few days and attend my Grandmother Freda’s Funeral... while i will always think ok OK as my home... home is becoming wherever i am with my husband & kids.

’Driving home from the pool one evening, my three-year-old son asked if we were going to see Daddy when we got to the house. I said we were. Several minutes later, we rounded a corner and our house came into view. I heard him sigh, and looked at him in my kiddy-mirror, as he said, "Ah, home. Now I get to be with Daddy!"

This made me realize that home is not a place. My son was so right in his observation of our house – this is where we get to spend time together, love each other, create memories and enjoy one another. I often pull into my driveway with a sigh – one of frustration and resignation to the fact that there will be toys to pick up, laundry to do, dishes to wash, dinner to be made. Not at all the comforting idea of home that my son has. I need to remind myself that my children don’t care that my living room isn’t Martha Stewart perfect, or that my bathroom towels don’t coordinate. To him, home is created by the people who live in the house.

Now, when I pull into my driveway, I try to look past all the things and look at those who are in my home instead. Whether it is my children, husband, niece and nephews, friends or neighbors, I want my home to be one that everyone can come into and be comforted, loved and accepted. I hope that my house will always be a place where those who enter feel like they can say, "Ah, home." Even me.’

-- Erika Morrison, MOPS Council Coordinator

2008-01-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

"Silently and imperceptibly, as we work or sleep, we grow strong or we grow weak; and at last some crisis shows us what we have become"
(B. F. Westcott).

This is true in every area of life

Excess Baggage

2008-01-02T13:39:00.000-08:00

Excess Baggage
I’ve recently begun noticing some excess baggage in my life. The advice, “It will only get harder to lose as time goes on.” is beginning to ring true. In an effort to trim down some of the excess burden & weight & people problems in my life I’ve stayed away from the problem makers & I feel happier!

there have been times that my life is full of excess baggage that holds me down, draws me to additional bad habits and makes me feel bad about being me. Conversations left unsaid that continue to burn inside, past relationships that still hurt because they haven’t been fully addressed and forgiven, mistakes made years ago that continue to haunt me because of gossip or guilt.

It’s a new year – a fresh year. Rather than holding myself back with all this excess baggage, I’m starting a new “diet” plan. Remembering God’s ultimate forgiveness and with his help, I will begin addressing this excess and releasing it and ridding my life from the source of the problems After all, I have plenty of wonderful things to focus my energy on right now, including all the people I love & who love me back.

Trinity of Holidays

2007-12-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

Let's talk turkey (and eggnog and noisemakers, for that matter). We're in the midst of the holiday season (no, that's not a PC term; I'm talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's) and I have just one question: Do you even remember what it's all about?

I'm guessing you don't, because we've buried the magic of those holidays under so much noise and irrelevance that we really don't enjoy this time of year -- and we certainly don't grow spiritually from the gifts that are right in front of us. Over time, we've mangled these holidays into unrecognizable displays of gluttony and greed.

Take Thanksgiving, for instance. In November 1789, President George Washington made Thanksgiving a national holiday when he declared that the nation needed "a day of public Thanksgiving and prayer." Somehow, this day in late November that was intended to be a timeout to give thanks to Almighty God has turned into a feast of food and football that has nothing to do with prayer (unless you count praying for your football team to cover the spread, which I obviously don't).
Christmas is intended to celebrate the birth of Christ, but political-correctness and consumerism have mangled it so far beyond recognition that I'm actually surprised when I see a reference to baby Jesus anymore.

January 1st offers the promise of a new start and a new calendar year, but it's become an excuse to party and drink so much that you wake up not even knowing what day it is.

It's no wonder that, after the turkey comas and pine cone needles have disappeared, the only thing left over from the holidays is a bigger waistline and more credit card debt.

I want us to take back the real meaning of these holidays. I don't think it's an accident that they are clustered together; I see it as divine design. Every year they offer us a clear series of steps we can take to become better people.

Step One is gratitude. Thanksgiving gives us the opportunity to humble ourselves and give thanks for the many blessings we have. Prayers help us find peace and acceptance with who we are.

Step Two is redemption. If you have seen my Christmas show, you know that I believe Christmas is more about the death of the man than the birth of the child. We celebrate the birth of the baby on December 25th, but the reason for His existence was so His death would cleanse our sins. His journey, from manger to cross, gives us a second chance.

Step Three is hope. The New Year gives us a clean slate, made possible because we've already humbled ourselves, given thanks, and found redemption. You can't succeed in your resolutions if you are still damaged from the past or if they are just a list on a piece of paper.

None of these holidays started out as anything extravagant. Thanksgiving was just a proclamation, Christmas began in a stable, and the New Year has always just been a day on the calendar. But their magic is in what they represent and in the opportunities they give us. They are very simple in their rewards: your grandmother's tablecloth; your child discovering the Christmas tree; the promise of a new year.

The true gifts of the season aren't in a lighting display or a gourmet meal; they are in your heart, and gathered around your table. You just have to take the time to look for them.

Traditions and glittery stuff are fine -- but our souls need attention, too. There is such a thing as a second chance and I hope, if you need one, you will find it this season in all the blessings around you.

Happy holidays from the Glenn Beck Program.
From his essay from the December issue of Fusion Magazine on the "Trinity of Holidays"

Oklahoma Thanksgiving Trip

2007-12-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

just some November 2007 pics

2007-12-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

Family pics 2007

2007-12-19T14:47:00.000-08:00

Caleb Daniel

2007-10-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

Ethan David 7 months old

2007-10-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

2007-10-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dave & Ena's Wedding

2007-10-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

2007-09-19T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own joy."
—Robert A. Heinlein

2007-09-19T08:45:00.001-07:00

2007-09-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

Encouragement for Today

2007-09-19T08:02:00.000-07:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you," says the Lord. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land."

Jeremiah 29:11–14 (NIV)

Do you believe deep down that God has good plans for you? Sometimes life throws some pretty hard curveballs, and it's tempting to believe that God is unaware of our plight. Certainly the exiled Israelites to whom God was speaking must have felt that way. Here God assures us that his plans are for our good. But these good plans are bound up in our relationship with him. Finding him, we connect with his good plan. If it feels as if God's nowhere to be seen, seek him wholeheartedly. When you find him, you'll find your future hope as well.

MOPS

2007-07-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Please join me on Friday, August 17th 7-9pm for our MOPS Open House in the Ministry Center at Timberlake Baptist Church. This is the last day for registration for the upcoming MOPS year!
Our Open House will include tours of the childcare rooms, registration and payment for the upcoming year, door prizes, refreshments and more ... come see what MOPS at TBC is all about! Our meetings take place on September 6 & 20, October 4 & 18, November 1 & 15 and December 6 from 9:30am until 11:30am; childcare is provided.
Our fees for the fall semester are $48, which includes the $20 MOPS International Membership (which goes directly to MOPS International) and our meeting fees of $28. Checks can be made out to TBC MOPS and mailed to TBC MOPS, 21395 Timberlake Road, Lynchburg, VA 24502.
Please call 237-6464 or e-mail MOPS@timberlakebaptist.org for more information!

2007-07-05T18:57:00.001-07:00

i just LOVE fighting with kids till 10pm!
i think my limit is 10 hours a day- after that i am ready to KILL' EM all!
but oh well... i LOVE'em anyways!

Wounds Can Change Your Heart

2007-06-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

Wounds Can Change Your Heart
by Elizabeth Elliot

Living in a world broken by sin, we suffer wounds of many kinds. Perhaps the most painful are not the physical ones but those of the heart. No one has power to hurt us more deeply than somebody we love, somebody we counted on to understand and support us. But there are two ways to receive wounds. One leads to larger life. The other leads straight to death, that is to destruction--of those we influence as well as of ourselves.

By grace we can receive the wounds of our friends as our Master received them--in the strength and for the glory of our heavenly Father. Being sinners ourselves, however, we need to be brought low at the cross. Nothing will do this better than some piercing heart-wound, provided we seek Christ because of it and pray Him to purify us.

There is another way--the world's way. It is anger, resentment, retaliation, retreat into pride and self-justification. These are quite natural, and quite lethal. The choice is ours.

"The wound which is borne in God's way brings a change of heart too salutary to regret, but the hurt which is borne in the world's way brings death" (2 Cor 7:10 NEB).

2007-06-24T16:46:00.000-07:00

“A happy marriage is the union of two forgivers.” --Ruth Bell Graham

Transferable Skills

2007-06-24T15:21:00.000-07:00

by Alexandra Kuykendall, MOPS Ministry Outreach Representative

After four years of staying home full-time with my daughters, it was time to for me to reenter the world of Dry Clean Only shirts and audience-free trips to the bathroom, and head back to office life at least part-time. Looking over my résumé, it didn't feel right that the years I'd worked the hardest stood out as a "hole in my work history." I wanted words to describe how much I'd grown, been challenged and changed in four years. But, how could I sum up sleepless nights, sloppy kisses and whispered secrets in a few bullet points? I couldn't, they were too precious, too sacred, and the word "job" made them feel too mundane.

In my efforts to make sense of this transition, I tried a different approach. I made myself a list of transferable skills, ways my mommy life could be applied to cubicle life:
• Able to multitask. Nursing a baby, while talking on the phone and making a peanut butter sandwich. No question.
• Strong research skills. Where is that smell coming from?
• Pays close attention to detail. Absolutely, when the difference between the pink and blue sippy could cause serious meltdown.
• Works well under pressure. Potty training by the start of preschool!
• Bilingual. "Mama, Y'ar yu?" Translation: Mommy. I need to see you to feel safe.
• Provides strong customer service. Who else answers the same question 2,421 times in one day?
• Able to manage a team. Getting four people out of the house, clothed and fed within an hour of intended departure takes an organizer.
• Willing to master new skills. I promise cleaning poop off the wall is a new skill.
Looking over my list, I realized that I offer a more confident, tender, fuller version of myself to the world because of my most rewarding and challenging "job." Thank goodness being a mother doesn't have a quitting time, so I can keep my skill set growing.

a few june pictures

2007-06-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

people pleasing

2007-06-22T21:29:00.001-07:00

generally i have an unflinching ability to state my strong opinion with no concern about others’ thoughts or MY own unpopularity.
I wish some one I know thought of me in terms of===I with i had the strength to do that.!!
but this is real life, & folks like me might have lots of principles and no friends.-- I have figured that much out ..
but to me It's okay.. i am content with that... but some one I know is not .
that was how things were my 1st semester of college -- well I made a couple of good Friends... but people did state that i was TOO opinionated.. etc...
basically i strongly contrast my husband or anyone who is a people-pleasers... -- yeah i do think when I moved here -- I wanted northing more than to PLEASE Don & more importantly in MY head was to impress his friends & get them to like me
I did that in high school as well.. & remained under the Radar... the nice girl -- but did i stand for anything?
generally i think of People pleasers as being women. because women are so relational, but I know a few men who are as well…
These are great people... but i dont like to be run down for who i am...
often i think at different times we have both done everything we can to preserve a connection.. Instead of choosing what might be the Best choice for everyone... making a decision that may hurt someone..
so many times in my life i have done anything to avoid being the bad girl. but i feel at this point in my life - there is nothing i can do

I found at times that my people-pleasing ways not only hurt me, they hurt the people who were my true friends, etc...

the thing with being a people-pleaser --- It isn’t really about “people.” It’s about fear that someone will think less of you or me --
if I’m not agreeable. It’s about an incessant need to have people think You are swell.

I really do think that People want relationships with those who are filled with honesty and integrity.
I don’t know if you can be understanding or supportive of that..
but those are just some of my thoughts.

kids climbing trees!

2007-06-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

pictures

2007-06-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

may pics!

trip pics

june pics

2007-05-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

"While we try to teach our children all about life,
our children teach us what life is."
(Angela Schwindt)

Lord, grow in my child the ability to perceive what truly matters in life.

He Ain't The Leavin' Kind

2007-05-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

They tried their best to drag him out
of a courthouse down in Montgomery
And now they wanna kick him out of school
And take him off our money
They can take those words off of
Paper and stone
But he ain't gone, no

Chorus:
He ain't the leavin' kind
He'd never walk away
Even from those who don't believe
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind

She stayed mad at him for a lot of years
For takin' her husband
Started losin' her faith
And thinkin' that her life meant nothin'
But when she looks at those kids she raised all by herself
She knows she had some help, yeah
She knows

No matter what you do
No matter where you go
He's always right there with you

Even from those you don't belive
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind
No, no

He ain't the leavin' kind
He ain't the leavin' kind
Woo, woo
He ain't the leavin' kind

--Rascal Flatts

Matthew 28:20

and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.

Unforgiveness

2007-05-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

Unforgiveness is like acid; it destroys the vessel in which it's stored.

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."
~ Patricia Frances

Forgiveness, of course, doesn't mean that we ignore problems or subject ourselves or our kids to harm. It just means that we choose not to let those problems consume so much of our emotional energy. We let the anger go so we can enjoy the rest of life. Dwelling on such problems and seeking revenge, even if only in your head, only hurts you. You spend your life with such negativity that you don't even notice the good around you.

from ---http://www.familylife.com

2007-05-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

2007-05-04T16:45:00.000-07:00

2007-05-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

“Insanity is heredity...you catch it from your kids.”
—Ronald Reagan

When Graphic Artists get bored

2007-05-01T10:53:00.001-07:00

More from Grey's Philosophy

2007-04-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

Grey's Anatomy 4/19/07

"we can ignore it all we want.. but our history always comes back to Haunt us."
some people believe that without history we are nothing...
at some point we all have to chooser -- do we fall back on what we know .. or do we step out into the new?
its had not to be haunted by our past.. our history is what shapes us...
our history resurfaces time after time after time ..
so we have to remember --- sometimes the most important history is the one we are making today

Grey’s Anatomy 4/26/07

“Some of us will do anything to get what we want…The tough part is reconciling what we really want with everything else we want.

To often the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have

Desire leaves us heart broken…it wears us out.

Desire can wreck your life.

But as tough as wanting something can be. The people who suffer the most are those who

Don’t know what they want.”

love...& hate

2007-04-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Current mood: Jaded
Category: Religion and Philosophy

i'm trying to keep this in my mind

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?"
Matthew 5:44-46 (King James Version)